E. Piphanie

2006-01-28T13:38:00.000-08:00

2005-09-28T17:14:00.000-07:00

2004-11-15T14:58:00.000-08:00

Belated post 3.

The graduation of another one from college.
If you haven't had a chance to meet my family, they're a fun crowd. ;) Of course, I'm Not biased or anything, but my friends have always enjoyed hanging out with the fam, sometimes more so than with me! =P Perhaps you can catch some of our spirit from the pics...(side note: not intentional, maybe a coincidence...but i think aqua was in that season!)

bro-in-law's sista

2004-11-15T14:41:00.000-08:00

Belated post 2.

2004-11-15T14:30:00.000-08:00

A belated post.

Salmon Pink.

I had imagined it differently. It became the only time that all my worlds---the naive, the passive, the agressive, the provocative, the godly, the sexy, the confident---collided. It became a moment where traditions seemed surprisingly unconventional. It became a game of truth or dare, of broken-ness and healing, of laughters and cries. It became a weekend where time stopped.

I could barely begin to reflect on my parting words for that day now. It seemed like a distant past. Good times, good stories. I was blessed with an awesome crowd....from my lifelong friends, to old friends, to new friends. Everyone represented a different season in my life: from birth, childhood, junior high, hs, college, SF, grad, post-grad. God is good. :)

Someone is snoring, perhaps?

Yay! I graduated....with that dorky cap my friends made for me.

MTC

Sha

Sharms!

Allison

Amigos!

Amigas!

the little one is missing...

Daddy!

Mommy!

Finale.

2004-10-06T16:31:00.000-07:00

'"Women are too romantic about romance; men have a better understanding of commitment...They have unrealistic expectations, not of the guy but of the relationship.” '

Oh, perhaps there's a bit of truth to that. :)

2004-07-01T18:25:00.000-07:00

hello, did i lose you? ;)

i've written and deleted a handful of entries on this blog, wondering if there's still anyone reading. i myself have questioned the importance of the E.Piphanie existence since my words can be rather meaningless (at times). thus, i've decided to keep my words short and pictures plentiful to explain the remaining months of my Yaleh life. if you're still reading...tack sa mycket, my loyal fans. :)

i'm still searching for answers...about life, about love, about God. i'd love to share some of the conversations and stories i've had recently if you're interested to hear. just holler back...

i don't remember the days, but i do remember the moments....

SPRING BREAK - MIAMI 2004

* highlights of the trip: scoring 4 invites to an A/X-sponsored party from a French guy who sat next to me on the plane, spotted JCusack at Tantra, got a glowing tan AFTER a horrific sunburn. =P

CALI SPRING BREAK - flying back 2x in 3 weeks

* "It smells like rotten eggs here!?!"

SURPRISE PARTY FOR MY NEIGHBOR - April 2004

* story is this: my neighbor B is my best friend's ex's best friend since high school. we never met until my move to the east coast. we lead parallel lives. He's definitely one of the most quality good-hearted people i know.

SPRING FLING 2004 with Third Eye Blind

* School event...more for the undergrads, but hey...there's free food.

WEEK OF SURPRISES - JUST BECAUSE
* snail mail gifts for moi
* MUCH love

CLUBMED FINALE

* more for the curious (elsewhere)...;)

LAST TWO WEEKS

*Yahleh's country club...

* Boston - car breaks down at mass turnpike
* My best friend....

* quality time with MTC, another QUALITY friend...a sister who has a HUGE heart

* NYC - it's time to say goodbye.

2004-05-30T22:39:00.000-07:00

On my bday card this year:

She refused to accept limits to possibilities.
She refused to confine her hopes, her dreams.
She refused to accept the ordinary.
And she never grew old.
Hee Hee. GK.

Oh she knows me too well. ;)

2004-05-27T20:51:00.000-07:00

Quite possibly the craziest night of my two years.

the weekend of my graduation was WILD. worlds from all types met in my once mouse-infested apartment, played poker, watched movies, and most importantly, shared stories. everyone had his/her own story to tell. even though they had very little knowledge of each other, they had one thing in common: me. :) yes, i do feel the love.

2004-05-21T00:11:00.000-07:00

They genuinely care. and so do I for them.

The ongoing wishes for bonnyth remain the same from all my friends. It's as if they've learned to read me based on something that has been somewhat hidden for the last two years, yet, at the same time, reflecting off clearly from the expressions of my face. Have I been that transparent? Or do I talk so much about it that life, just miraculously, hands me people who support the person I want to become?

God has such a funny sense of humor. To this day, I am still impressed and surprised with the quality people I meet. They're amazing.

2004-05-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

that smile you were thinking about?
it's still in me, somewhere...
and now that things are coming to an end here for me,
i can't wait to find it again.
stay tuned. :)

* FIRST Challenge when i get back to SF: Earthquake Ice Cream Sundae.

2004-05-02T21:48:00.000-07:00

Homestretch is barely home-free.

Before you ask how much work I’ve accomplished, trust that this composition is a reward to my day’s worth of writing. Considering that I’ve written more than 10 pages and edited another 10, I think I deserve a break. Thesis-writing rejects the creative spirit and inner voice that yearns for attention. This, instead, is me letting loose, allowing my brain juices to flow freely without the critical eye saying stop.

I’ve started a reward-system for myself. If I get something done, I get to eat. If I finish that section, I get a 30-minute break. Yep. Having a carrot dangling in front seems to work wonders for this ambitious soul. Perhaps, the true test is being starved and deprived of any sort of freedom—a challenge that kills and paralyzes me, always.

I was invited by SS to share leftovers for dinner today. Since when did leftovers become a purpose for invitation? ;) All I could say was, having a daily menu of bagels, stale coffee, and greasy Chinese-food, I’d take those leftovers any day! Alas, due to time constraints with the self-imposed deadlines, I couldn’t and didn’t deserve SS’ Thai, Korean, and Chinese leftovers.

Somewhat unexpectedly, I received fewer phone calls than anticipated this weekend. The reality is not that I didn’t get calls, but missed those that I wanted to jump for. Rather, television has, unfortunately, been my consolation prize lately. Consolation for what you ask?—for my upheld strength and self-respect. Emotional upheavals will only delay my process in finishing up. Perhaps these emotions have already gotten the best of me during the past two years.

Carrie in S&theC once wrote: When it comes to life and love, would you do it all over again?

I hate to sit on the fence, so for the purpose of answering this question at this time, I would answer no. Certain things come and go. Why relive what was meant to be considered the past? Exacerbated by this thought is the song I’m currently listening to by ChiLam Cheung: Point of No Return. Boys do it all the time. They live practically. So why not women? =P (The juxtaposition of these two sexes probably just started a whirlwind of sentiments.)

Cantonese music—with an added mesmerizing voice—has a soothing effect on me. It brings me back to the inner-fob in me of being with my nearly-perfect family. It takes me back to my cherished memories of my grandparents…all of them. It inspires me once again to express the youthful spirit I’ve missed.

I’ve always imprisoned myself with my fears—of the what-I-failed-miserably-in, whether it was relational baggage, academic pride, or just simply that four-letter word. I didn’t want to wake up to find a leaky faucet. Or the exorbitant reflections of could’ve, would’ve, should’ve. I was worried that the ramifications of me dealing with these fears would break any patient ear. The irony was that not dealing with it only drove straight to the heart of the matter.

Thus, I finally took a risk and confonted that fear.
So what now? Well, the song continues, and so do I.

2004-03-26T03:41:00.000-08:00

A glimpse of nostalgia.

I can't sleep. Considering that I've been on CA time ever since my spring break, and the million light years prior, I was lying in bed early this morning with a glimpse of what-now? In a world of constant motion and excessive demands, I suddenly found myself sitting here, lost for words, yet feeling ok.

A little less than two years ago, at this time, I was tested to give up something I had fallen in love with, a community I had so established my christian connection--a budding spiritual maturity. A year prior to that, I had just left my undergraduate years of being a commuter, being an ambitious individual who was constantly searching for love. My track history of constantly being on the move had given me strength and confidence, simply building strong relationships here and there, with people who understood my growth in places that I saw very little chances of returning to. I had left behind a-once-puppy-love relationship that was destined to end, that left dark crevices in my innocent thoughts, if not irreparable holes in my heart. While searching for answers to the who-am-I questions, that yearlong hiatus from school in a astounding city left me curious and hungry for something even greater. I instantly connected to a hand that I could barely see, an arm that kept me close within His reach, and I started walking along with Him, wholeheartedly.

Transitioning to the east coast, I was called to reveal my true faith--not necessarily how much, but what kind. I had wanted to do something to give back--something striking. It was a lot harder than I had imagined, especially when the previous year had been so easy---almost like a comfort bubble---that drew me in. I knew I was placed here to serve the way my heart had yearned to back in SF, but how now? I felt caught between a world of then and now. I lived and breathed in humility. Especially on paper, I really had very little to show for.

Looking back, I've lost that girl who always found a need to define herself. Perhaps it's just...be, not do. For the first time, I see the many months ahead dynamic and challenging in ways that will remain uncertain until I get there. It's almost...scary. I'm transitioning again. Into a stage or period or season in my life that is...blurry. As much as I want to find something that is permanent, I don't even want to think twice that it will be there 6 months from now. No point if He's going to take it all away from me.

So I continue to walk.

I'm going to miss the cold when I get to wear my long coat and mittens only to walk two blocks for class. I'm going to miss the snow when I get to reap its benefits and never once had to shovel. I'm going to miss the coffee runs and the sex-in-the-city nights when I need to unwind with my dear canadian friend (she's hot, btw). I'm going to miss the down time when I have absolutely nothing pressing, so I chat with several windows at once. I'm going to miss the three-hour difference that allows me to wake certain peeps up at my leisure. =) I'm going to miss the rivalry when that community college up north competes with us. I'm going to miss the Big Apple that is so close, yet so far---but still, it feels as if it's at my fingertips. I'm going to miss the pizza, the ramen, the chewy chocolate chip cookies. I'm going to miss the random visits, late night talks, and unspoken thoughts with people who I have fallen in love with.

I've been in a world of only believers. I've also been in a world of almost all nonbelievers. But for what it's worth, I might just be ok.

2004-02-07T12:16:00.000-08:00

Drama-free.

a midnight walk by my lonesome self in new haven--*gasp*
i'm glad i took this walk. i'm glad i straddled over a few blocks--only to see that God had it all planned out for me.

2004-02-01T20:56:00.000-08:00

"I Heart NY"

2004-01-28T18:15:00.000-08:00

Am i really in school?

This is insane. =) in a great way. I have two days worth of classes each week. Oh sucks to be me, because I have 5-day weekends. You people have money, and no time. I have time, but no money. Well this is the layout for the next two months.

Pondering option of whether or not to be in SF...for snowboarding again?

NY!!!
weekends?

Will be back in SF for a few days....
Weekend of Feb 28th

Mar. 1-2 Something called classes

Mar. 4-9: Welcome to Miami
Mar. 9-21: SF AGAIN! =)

Dang baby...life is tough. life is really tough! =P

2004-01-21T21:48:00.000-08:00

instantaneously.

thank you ALL for your prayers last night. a sudden relapse of doubt and uncertainty left me thinking and reflecting--practically the whole day! I had to be reminded that I was worth so much that He had sent his only Son to save me--that His love is exhibited through the love i receive from all my brothers and sisters. thank you for praying. thank you for loving me. thank you for staying up on the phone with me until i could fall asleep. ;)

2004-01-21T17:28:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

2003-12-20T15:55:00.000-08:00

a curious turn.
my eyes perked up. i looked innocently and inquisitively onward. it's been a while since i had that type of interest--of just listening to those words being spoken so instensely to me. "you owe yourself that chance," M said. i was wrapped around comfort that i've never had before, yet somehow so familiar.

2003-12-17T09:40:00.000-08:00

time to p-a-r-t-a-y! =) =) =)

2003-12-16T08:32:00.000-08:00

bye bye new haven.

time to go back again. it was only about a month ago when i was at the airport waiting to go home to see friends and family. now that i've pulled enough all-nighters, had the company of several late-night chatters, and enjoyed the many cups of coffee from Dunkin Donuts (i'm getting sick of the bagels/donuts, btw), i'm coming home. =)

another semester done. before i know it, i'll be back in cali doing everything that i've thought about, yet perhaps looking outside my box, finding ways to explore the endless possibilities of the world again. the grass is always greener on the other side, eh? now that i'm older (possibly not any wiser), the same story no longer holds. i know what i want, i know where i want to be, and i know who i wish to become. well, maybe. =P

i'm still fasting. a few know what i'm fasting from. but there are no guarantees, huh? you can be constantly praying, wanting, asking, seeking, but there are no guarantees. i want to give in, give up, and throw up my white flag. i guess no one ever said it'd be easy.

so since i can't do much, but wait for my fast to be over...i'm ready to snowboard, to dance, to shop, and to love again. i'm glad i'm coming home.

2003-12-13T19:11:00.000-08:00

Put your arms around me

are you ready maybe
are you willing to run
are you ready to let yourself drown
are you holding your breath
are you ready or not

are you ready maybe
do you long to confess
do you feel that you're already numb
are you sure of yourself
would you lie if you're not

you tire me out
don't wanna let that happen
a secret scream so loud
why did you let that happen

ooh ooh so put your arms around me
you let me believe that you are someone else
ooh ooh cause only time can take you
so let me believe
that i am someone else

maybe are you ready to break
do you think that i push you too far
would you open yourself
are you reckless or not

you tire me out
don't wanna let that happen
a secret scream so loud
why did you let that happen

ooh ooh so put your arms around me
you let me believe that you are someone else
ooh ooh cause only time can take you
so let me believe
that i am someone else...

make me believe
take me take me
somewhere
somewhere
let me believe
cause only time can take you
so stop

2003-12-13T16:32:00.000-08:00

for as long as i shall live, i shall testify to love.

i had a really good conversation with G today. no matter what the outcome may be, i think my reactions/feelings will be a true testament to who i am. am i mature? am i in rage? am i in love? am i really me?

2003-12-13T10:24:00.000-08:00

f-a-s-t-i-n-g.
do i have enough to trust that God does indeed exist?

2003-12-12T16:41:00.000-08:00

"i'm more concerned with how you feel."
at that moment, everything was gone---the insecurity, the worries, the uncertainty.

2003-12-09T13:04:00.000-08:00

feeling sexy. yep. i'm not talking about showing more skin, that's not necessary. just the mind and spirit feeling confident--that's all. simple pleasures of being who i am, being God's child, with the good and the bad, and feeling loved in all ways around. there are times when i try to feel good, feel sexy, but the trying part is what takes it all away. perhaps trying too hard? the truth is with a certain ounce of confidence comes faith, and in turn, makes me feel radiant. =)

2003-12-07T16:52:00.000-08:00

Oz.

is that a word for scrabble? why not? i would have gotten so many points for that word! =)

Bringing back memories.
The Wizard of Oz is on the WB channel tonight. While a 15-page policy paper awaits me, I can hardly keep my attention on my second page. (and yes, it's due tomorrow). Rather than talking about my delinquency, I will have to admit that I almost forgot why the classic musical is so well-acclaimed. The dances, the songs, and of course, the colors! never cease to amaze me how far cinematography has gone. A scarecrow without a brain, tin-man without a heart, and a lion without courage? What am "I" without? nothing. nothing really. =)

looking forward to really spend some quality time with family and friends. this cannot be a better time for wrap ups. although i was about to post some of the thanksgiving pictures, i was asked to censor most of them....so sorry dudes and dudettes. =) but for a quick recap, had a G-B-P thanksgiving in boston. professional chef cooked the thanksgiving dinner--smoked turkey, smoked duck, gourmet dishes...wow! =) good quality time.

2003-12-06T17:34:00.000-08:00

it's a winter wonderland.

i had some quality time with God today. with an early morning of mindfulness and heavy-duty exercise of the brain, i was blessed with wake-up calls from SMP---all of whom gave me the support i was looking for! =) yay!

2003-12-05T06:08:00.000-08:00

i think i have an addiction to nice dresses. i'm so dead. =P

2003-12-02T20:13:00.000-08:00

the strongest magic of all: the power of the human heart.

that's what i read from the back of my Ever After DVD--the first "official" DVD to my nonexistent collection, courtesy of P. i had gotten "Centerstage" earlier, but some of you know what happened to that. long story and a million interpretations. =P it's truly amazing to have a heart. who do we love? how do we love? what DOES it mean to love?

my friend A reminded me of this recently:
If you love it, set it free.
If it returns, it was meant to be.

i've had my fair share (and continue to do so) of "love memories" in life. good ones, bad ones, weird ones. whatever. simply put, i just love my friends. since we recently had "thanksgiving," i really got a chance to reflect on people and i came across some many nostalgic memories that got me all teary-eyed. yes, it was one of those! every little bit counted; it didn't matter how long we've been friends, how much we've interacted, or how many deep conversations we've exchanged, you guys are all so so special to me---and i'm sure more than half of you don't even read this! i love you all and i love you more every day. i know you are all God's gifts to me, and I NEED to make sure I cherish that, and not forget! I LOVE YOU!!!

you're probably thinking i'm psycho to publicly announce my affections for you, but heck, you've put up with me for this long, the idiosyncracies, the attitudes, the whines/complaints, the ditziness,....everything! man, i can't even deal with myself sometimes. ;)

well, yeah, i guess this sounds like just another pointless la-di-da blog, but it's only because you're special.

2003-11-22T17:07:00.000-08:00

let the rivalry be forever.

there IS some ounce of pride in being the blue team....usc vs. ucla, stanford vs. cal, harvard vs. yale, red vs. blue...although we did get crushed today. =( if there was a football team in undergrad, i would've been one of those crazy girls with facepaint even on my tummy!....well maybe.

my last two weeks--a complete joke. ever since i stepped onto that plane to go home to CA, where did my productivity go? haha. every time my mom called to check up on me, i was on the road...looking for food. i ate everything from ALL TYPES OF ASIAN to good ole in-and-out. i always take up any opportunity to eat...and thanks to all those beloved friends who knew just my cup-o-tea---thanks for all those food-outting invites! too bad i had such a *short* vacation in such a random time of the school year. i DID come back for a conference, really...i did! *wink*

for my health and my sanity, it was a (timely) blast. i went to see love actually and loved it---i'm such a british-romantic-comedy-flick-chick. =) probably not the usual type you'd imagine, but i do enjoy the "unspoken love" the most. there's something about unrequitted love and yet still falling madly and perfectly in love that speaks volume. my time was wisely spent on blessed friendship and conversations. words will not do justice to the energizing spirit and nurture these conversations did for me. and unfortunately, i STILL have a few that i would love to take rainchecks for, come december. promise, i wanted to hang out with everyone from SF and everyone from school! ;) can you actually believe that i'll be done soon? that it was more than a year ago that i left teary-eyed? :) time flies. c-r-a-z-y.

i've been blessed to experience the deepening of many friendships---even to the point where i can openly share bathroom jokes/conversations during dinner! :) and of course...it feels great to be completely vulnerable to girlfriends. i spent more than an hour the other night catching up/praying with sister S. dy had said: it's great to see the friendship between you two blossom. and the funny thing is, without dy's encouragement for me to visit her back in August, we would not have known each other so well! oh the love! :)

the big game.

it was quite an experience.

a friend of mine from 4 years ago purposely flew into new haven from duke, just to support his alma mater. now, THAT is the school spirit. despite my need to catch up after having an unexcused week off (now who's the nerd, M?), i ended up going to the game as well. i had to. the friday night before, all the restaurants and stores were bustling with people. i have never seen so many dressed-up preppy "elders" with both spirit and zest--wearing pins that read: H-LL with Hah-vard. it was hilarious. more importantly, these big gunners probably have a lot more enthusiasm than i can at this stage in life.

to make a long story short, 6 girls smashed in an Accord, travelling for nearly two-hours before we could find parking. mind you, the yah-leh bowl should only be 15 min away, max? after circling around behind buses, seeing a ton of crimson red fools getting off, trying to get into lots (but to no avail), we ended up parking on someone's lawn...yes, the owner of the house came out and signaled us, cars, to park there. $20 bucks. i found myself whipping it out of my pocket, because well, by then, the game had already started and we were all hungry. to the tailgate off we go, finding tables and tables of free food (hamburgers, hot dogs, cookies), and i myself ultimately scarfed down two FREE hot dogs within 10 mins. i didn't stay long for the game, but i was there during the third period--in time to see the team score a touchdown. :) that's all i really wanted to see. who cares about the outcome anyways? :)

S and i ended up leaving earlier than the rest. on our way to the shuttle, we passed by the lawn again...this time, there were 12 cars in his front lawn. 12...that means, it's at least $240 that dude has made, excluding a few cars on his driveway.

"wow." i thought to myself...those were two EXPENSIVE HOT DOGS. =P

2003-11-21T09:10:00.000-08:00

fashion savvy.
my friends, not me.

cq - she's smart. she's classy. and just a little bit sassy.
with her advice, i was fortunate enough to slide through the slots of getting a haircut appt with Kelly. it normally takes a month in advance to be so lucky! for those who know how anal i am about haircuts, let's just say that i'm more than pleased--now feeling glamorous, exciting, and confident! (okay, it might also be because i had more sleep than usual this morning.)

ds - creative, fun and just enough dorkness to be uniquely charming. oh humble pie....i've recently learned that this friend knows more about fashion than i do. where have i been when d is learning about seven jeans--about the ins and outs of what looks good? okay, so i know about miss sixty, but i don't know if i've ever seen a pair of 7-jeans myself until now on tv.... but hey, for now--being the poor student that i am--i'll just stick to my humble jeans from thailand that wouldn't cost me an arm and a leg. =P

2003-11-20T14:29:00.000-08:00

interesting.

2003-11-14T09:40:00.000-08:00

being welcomed.
i love it. you peeps are the best! i'm the luckiest girl i know. :)

2003-11-13T14:18:00.000-08:00

Familiarity.
The familiarity of the check-in lines, the security checkpoints, and the gigantic windows that can see far into the distance—I’m back at JFK airport. The last time I was here, I was on my way home after finishing my first year of graduate school—pre-SE Asia. Although that only happened a few months ago, I could barely dig up the details of what remained. Perhaps, it was because I was more in cloud 9—in my bubble of confusion, searching for clarity. Several months later, today, I’m still in that same bubble, so it feels, but the uncanny thing is that I feel so much more composed. No doubt, traveling makes you grow up. But at the same time, during the past three months into my second year of gs, I’ve noticed many changes in this girl I was searching to find. The changes are so…unlike who I pride myself to be. Is that a good thing? The things I see and hold on for dear life now are becoming more realistic.

It’s been a while since I actually got out of New Haven, got out of my formerly-mouse-infested-pad. I’ve attempted several times to go to NY and even Philly. Yet, I failed to remove the chains of my heart. I was stuck.

Intense. That’s probably the most appropriate word to describe my last few weeks—whether it be fighting to keep my head above waters in school or keeping the troubling friendships alive or simply fulfilling my passionate spirit of loving. G has really taught me some important yet heart-wrenching lessons in life that I’ve hid from for a while. Dependency, jealousy, ambition, pride.

So I sit here, in the airport terminal, waiting to board. I rethink the words spoken by my mother a few days ago. I had explained to her how several friends of mine “play hard.” Strangely enough, she bluntly mentioned my lack of finding complete freedom. Even when I go out and play, there is always something, to no avail, lingering in the back of my head that reads responsibility. Would this syndrome every go away? Would my “childish enthusiasm” ever run free completely?

As I was walking through the security check-point today, I untied my mid-calf boots, and took them off. A lady walked by and said, “Oh poor girl. They made you take off your boots….Sweetie, that’s why you wear these slip-ons like us.” I smiled and exclaimed, “I want to look cool when I get off the plane.” “What? Are you saying that we’re not cool?” the other lady joked. Oh, the vanity in me took over. I knew I shouldn’t be wearing anything fashionable when traveling, but I’m going back to CA! How can I not enjoy the little moments of fashion since I’m already a total bum back in school? (Okay, this was only a partial modest comment! =))

Listening to Dido’s “white flag,” I find the words resonate with conflicting emotions in my heart. I can see myself speaking those lyrics, but at the same time, it is all too familiar that I’ve been on the other end when I’ve received such words. The words are so poignant—it almost hurts, but not really.

I feel even older this time around, returning to California. I’ve learned to wipe away my expectations, and just anticipate what G has in store for me. I’m really looking forward to sharing good memories with old and new friends again—people who I have dearly missed and often thought about/prayed for. Although I’m supposed to be back for a conference, vacation obviously takes precedence. One week of endearing love and then, it’ll be the Y-H game when I return to school! Wahoo…..and of course, a week of Turkey break, possibly in Boston? Or in Philly? So, perhaps, THIS is my version of playing hard.

I’m really looking forward to this time of untangling some of those knots I’ve struggled with…But like Dido, I will not surrender. I’m in love and always will be.

2003-11-09T16:32:00.000-08:00

"you can fear the future, or you can embrace it."
---smallville beginnings

2003-11-03T12:48:00.000-08:00

My best friend.

She came to visit, and we made last minute halloween costumes (literally a one hour ordeal). She held me accountable for the feelings I've been having. She reminded me how to love.

strong words have been spoken to my heart lately.

2003-11-03T07:39:00.000-08:00

I'm Alright by Bebo Norman

I've got a little hope in my pocket, I want to share a bit with you
Just be careful that you don't drop it, but don't worry it you do
'Cause I got broken down inside me, and I might just need some help
But I will get by

And I've got demons in my history, got bone beneath my skin
But I've been taken by a mystery, yes, I've been taken in
And sometimes voices down inside me try to fight me for myself
I will get by

What have I got to live for
If there's nothing beating in my chest
What have I got to live for
When this world starts turning, it's burning me up
I'm alright

I used to think love was just a barter, second hand coincidence
What doesn't kill you just makes you harder, so I used my common sense
Keeping cold to keep my distance, 'til you took my pride away
Now I will get by...

An unexpected call made me realize G is SO good---that He is doing so much for those around me, that the world is beautiful from all other angles, that I just need to open my eyes. While I may not have the strength to minister to those around me right now, I do not always have to be the one to be ready to. I am humbled to admit that I'm waiting for G to refill my very own cup. But to know that He is here, for me, for my friends and my family, I am not afraid, no, I am not afraid...

2003-11-02T19:05:00.000-08:00

Strong Enough by Stacie Orrico

As I rest against this cold, hard wall
Will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had
been won
Only to find the war has just begun

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

Will my weakness for an hour make me suffer for a life
time?
Is there anyway to be made whole again?
If 'm healed, renewed and find forgiveness , find the
strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plans?

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

He took my life into his hands and it turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance
It's there I finally found

That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me
Oh Thank You for my chance to start again

Love comes first, action (not works) will follow. God loves you. Remember who you are.
---E

2003-10-28T07:07:00.000-08:00

"I'm Here," He whispered into my ear.
Suddenly, everything momentarily stopped.

2003-10-26T09:27:00.000-08:00

wahooooooooo for wholesome fun.

friday night: i washed my hair. yep. you might find this to be a lame excuse for not going out, but wait, listen to this. I DID go out to a shopping mall earlier (located about 40 minutes away from here)....and for all you lucky gals who can shop till you drop anytime of the week, THIS is a luxury for me, to get out of New Haven and to see people. This was probably the first mall where I felt like I was back in Socal. Without a car to drive and explore the city, I often feel trapped and secluded from the normal lifestyle of the cali girl in me. Instead, a spontaneous trip was made with my buddy MTC, to westfarms...quite a list of shops, don't you think? I actually didn't buy anything extravagant, except for some cool eyeshadow and lipglass---something to make me feel different, i suppose. You know the feeling when you have nothing to buy, but you just NEED to get something? That's me alright....afterall, we did trek 40 minutes away so I had to make it productive, right? ;) On our way home, we stopped by Target---the cherry to top off my dessert. I ended up buying random stuff, again, such as new shampoo. I saw this ad during one of the commercials of the GQ Show the past week, so I decided to give it a try! I was hoping to mimic those hot celebtrities at the awards night, or figure out how GQ men get attention. So after washing my hair, I hate to say it was an intensifying moment of limes and lemons, but it was! IT smells SO good...i can't really pinpoint the exact smell, but it was just so refreshing! It completed my Friday night with a smile. ;)

saturday: i went to pick apples, pumpkins, and run through a corn maze. Don't forget to scroll DOWN the webpage to take a look! i've never had an experience like this before...just simple, wholesome fun. I guess this is what people in CT do. ;) And to be honest, it was quite relaxing and enjoyable---to enjoy the simple pleasures of life. With all that has been going on with my mind and heart these days, simple fun is PERFECT fun. there were questions along the way, in the maze, and my friends (BSK and MTC) and i chose "American History." So in order to receive tips of either going left or right at certain places, we had to answer questions such as: What's the US Mantra? Who was the first president to live in the White House? Any clues you trivial buffs out there?

i remember when M tried to teach me how to be chill. i was never able to "really succeed," let along mastering it. i did this weekend. i took Sandra's advice and did something EXTRAVAGANT for myself. i had some WHOLESOME fun.

2003-10-21T18:28:00.000-07:00

friend said: you're very girly, sometimes....ideal, romantic, controlled by emotions, sensitive, dreamy.
me said: you always knew that about me.
friend said: i know.

-----------------------

is it wrong to have the emotions that i do? where does that hopeless romantic in me stop? lately, i've had a mesh of not-so-great feelings enveloping my everyday actions. i have very little motivation and find very little sleep. and just when you think you've reached the bottom, it feels deeper, or better yet, you have no idea where your feet will land. school has been discouragingly busy and on top of that, the leave of a group member has placed more weight on my shoulders. my biceps are barely in good enough shape to keep it up.

i did something i haven't done for a while. today, i took out my dancing shoes, and practiced my pirouettes. two baby! =) it still needs a lot of work, of course, but ever since i sprained my ankle once, twice,...faltered in keeping my balance in my dance class, and then a third, i have lost a lot of confidence to balance on one foot again, let alone doing two full turns. life is always like that. every time you get hurt, you're a bit more cautious, a bit more reserved. is this not an oxymoron to the childish idealism in me? the free-spirit, the invincible attitude of just believing, of letting go and allowing yourself to be vulnerable? is this just a girl thing? --the whole i-am-emotional thing. i wonder how many guys out there allow their emotions to take over. i trust that they have strong feelings and emotions too; i've seen it before. but why does it feel like girls are always the ones most vulnerable? why am i that typical girl who wears her emotions on her sleeves?

ironically, although i have always been a strong believer that "emotions are never wrong," i don't think these emotions say who i am.

as i was rereading my old personal statement, i noticed that much of who i was was very thorough, very comprehensive. if i were to give it to someone who barely knew me, he'd say, "i feel like i know you now." but as i redefine myself three years later, i am up a creek without a paddle...struggling, to find even a simple beginning. how can i use a sheet of paper to define myself?---the person i have and want to become? the complexity of life has really added lines to my smile. of course without my girlfriends--whether it be on the west coast, east, or abroad--i'd probably would've aged more than any shiseido or estee lauder can handle.

perhaps?...the truth is, i can't define myself because i don't even know who i am anymore. i've soul-searched quite a bit, sometimes bearing fruit, other times just envisioning what i want. am i demanding? am i spoiled? am i compassionate? am i forgiving? someone once told me: show me your actions and i'll tell you what you believe.

can you then tell me what i believe?

2003-10-15T19:36:00.000-07:00

the weird feeling of nostalgia

i sat there in the dim light, staring out into the distance--but my mind was barely there. no, not even barely...it just wasn't. i wish i could even say that this mesh of emotions consumed me, overwhelmed me...but it didn't. i just sat. it just sat.

2003-10-12T09:47:00.000-07:00

explicit responses to implicit thoughts (aka expectations)

a promise was made. with the test being over, now in the process of being fulfilled, entering into world of girl-dom (again), S and I finally started our Sex and the City marathon---over the now nonexistent pints of ice cream, take-out chinese food, and late-night giggles. before friday night, i had not finished a single episode, now i have 13 down, with another 5 pending by the end of this weekend. Graduate students have a lot of time on their hands? Um, nope. not true. But somehow, i had to lift myself from the doldrums of being a twenty-something—a period of transitional drama—and say, “hello? why do i have these unnecessarily burdening thoughts to plague the rationalize mind?” perhaps this is a rhetorical question. Would my undying hopeless romantic heart be a suitable answer?

The glamour, the talk, the liberation of being a woman were all so entertaining to the confines of being a good-christian-girl. It’s television. I can barely commit myself to a world of $500-shoes, nice clothes, and posh partying yet I struggle with simply mending the brokenness of my failed attempts to be godly.

The fact that I made a futile trip to the railroad station yesterday (while hoping to head out to nyc alone) was a testament to the fact that confusion overwhelmed me. Just minutes before leaving, I was chatting with F and S—both miles and MANY MORE miles away, and I described certain things as f-up. In order to place emphasis on such perception, I turned crude. I shamefully apologized only to find responses of i-love-yous from them.

The dichotomous world blocks the view and spoils my night. We all know why we’re here. Am I trying to ignite an old flame? passion for G? The sun is going down. I want to go home, but maybe another day. After journaling at the train station—I might as well since I was there for more than an hour—I walked back with my supposed-overnight-stay-clothes, dozed off at a friend’s after a temple-massage, and eventually headed home.

My evening was flavored with random calls of innocent sweetness. This is a term for me to separate innocent from intentional. Although D was taking me away from my marathon and I was already impatiently giggling, I looked at S and shouted… “SOOOOOOO sweet!” Then S commented on a few others who had interrupted the precious charisma of Mr. Big that night as well. We came to the conclusion that even though we were able to re-ignite our women-power through this marathon, we were no “vagina-monologue” extremists. We were true old-fashioned romantics at heart.

Although the big question mark sat gracefully on top of my head that evening, I perked my eyes up with a wrinkled forehead and scrunched up eyebrows. “You stopping me on my tracks?...try me.” *wink

2003-10-09T15:48:00.000-07:00

it was simply stated, but answered.

i only need to have faith of a mustard seed, for He will carry the burden for me. The yoke is easy if I let Him carry me. I know I can't do it on my own. Now is the time to walk through the fire, when the going gets tough, can I still hold on to my faith? Can I walk the narrow path? And take the harder route? There is no perfect right or wrong path, the journey is mine, we have free will....God desires me to be happy, but the question is--Will I walk there with or without Him?

There's no doubt in mind that the Lord indeed has great plans for me, and is working in me at the moment. I trust that God will provide someone to complement my work for Him. Let me just say in advance, thank you G. ;)

2003-10-09T00:38:00.000-07:00

Random shizniks

i should be writing my policy paper, or better yet, getting my much-needed beauty rest. but i can't because i'm somewhat emotionally charged, in a good way, surprisingly. since it's 3am here, i'm going to share with you random shizniks that happened yesterday.

with very little sleep the night before, i had my presentation and after that sat in class just staring into empty space. i glanced in the direction of several other colleagues, smiled, and continued my blank stare of giggles and enlightenments. a brainless thought just suddenly surfaced and i started thinking about what makes a "great guy." yes, someone who i would just be smitten over, someone who would as Snoop might relate to as "game-over." i'm not going to elaborate on my obsession for vampires and draculas--obvious points that several, if not many, girls can relate to. no? =) how about leopold and his white horse? honestly, as much as pob labels me as a "princess," are my expectations really that demanding and all that unrealistic? why don't you guys slap me silly and tell me the truth? ;)

the list included characteristics of my "father." yeah, it sounds awfully wrong, but it's the truth. my daddy has been the sole source of protectiveness, love, and care any little girl desires. like Him---our Daddy. will He ever let us down? will He ever turn his back away and say, fine, go do your own thing, I'm not going to care for you anymore? it's amazing how G stands firm in His love for us...how He is there even when i'm not looking.

I can feel him standing right next to me, wherever I may be...whether it be waiting in line to get coffee, or sitting down before the wedding ceremony starts. i can feel my hand being covered, protected by his. i can feel him kissing my forehead and asking me, do you know who loves you? the simple words of "you're taken care of" reminds me that i'm not alone---filling me completely with inspiration and encouragement that can only be fulfilled by and with him.

simple gestures, simple ways....God brings me to life. no wonder i daydream that my ideal is like my daddy. i'm falling in love with God all over again.

2003-10-06T15:29:00.000-07:00

there are no shortcuts to maturity.

i finally found some time to hang out with friends this weekend. it was nice to smile and be noticed. it was encouraging that my awkward-broken-wit could be renewed. it was definitely inspiring to know that despite my hiatus from the human-world, despite my rather selfish behavior to commit my time and energy to a personal ambition--or perhaps, responsibility?--i still found open arms on the other end welcoming me back from the world of nerd-dom. =)

i can't say that i didn't cherish my time of being alone, however. the times i walked to and from the law library made me believe that time does tick and seasons do change. walking down the main street with a colorful scarf around my neck, a camel colored classic jacket, and a pair of jeans that could never go out of fashion (which actually means just plain jane jeans), i found myself rather tall, walking with my back straight and enveloping an air of pseudo-confidence. it was an attitude that was very much "necessary" for me to face the challenges i had been dealt with at that time---whether it be mouse traps or logic games or broken conversations. my ability to stand with such confidence was a testament to the fact that He was my strength in my weakness. I couldn't have done it without the people he brought forth into my life and without His love.

it's funny because i've just been spotted---spotted by a friend who was rummaging through google, i think. i don't want to sound like i'm this christian girl always thanking God for the trials and tribulations that He hands me--although it sometimes is and can come across that way. good times and bad times....i'm human, that's all i can say...

i lack inspiration to finish this blog. my thoughts feel heavy.

2003-09-30T16:39:00.000-07:00

i can feel the crisp air blow against my face.

2003-09-29T17:36:00.000-07:00

in my voicemail, i find...

hey,
just calling to say hi...
yeah, fear not, the Lord is with you.
and i just pray right now, that heavenly father,
You be with bonnyth that you give her peace and all,
in all these situations that is unravelling...
i pray that you'd be her strength in her weakness.
and as she decreases may You increase....
may your loving arms surround her,
may she fill your love...
pray all these things in your name,
Amen.

thanks, you're awesome!
and hopefully in due time, i'd find him and cook him and eat him! ;)

2003-09-28T19:43:00.000-07:00

a hopeless romantic
i look to my left and see a girl, staring back with curious eyes--as if we know each other, but not really. there's obviously something familiar that hides behind those eyes, as if she can relate to what i'm thinking and feeling.--or maybe i can relate to her?

i look over and ask, "can i trust God?" trust is an essential ingredient to surrender. you won't surrender to God unless you trust him, but you can't trust him until you know him better. Fear keeps us from surrendering, but love casts out all fear. the more you realize how much God loves you, the easier surrender becomes. but in this competitive culture, we're all taught to not give up, nor give in; we rarely hear much about surrendering. if winning is our goal, then surrendering is unthinkable, no? it implies losing, and no wants to be a loser. it evokes unpleasant images of "admitting defeat."

so yes, i see God's love for me--the way He never shuts me out of His sight, the way He forgives, the way he cares about every detail of my life---but what about humanity? can i trust people?

without even an ounce of hesitation, i can boldly, pridefully, say that i am loved---even in the people context. lately, i've had a lot of encouragements flying my way--whether it is demanded from the princess in me, or from the kind-hearted souls of my loved ones...J even said, i'm a fan...."once a fan, never can go back!" =) and then there are those who give me the tingleys from their simple gestures of hellos, gl, or even phone calls of motivation...when i know, i will never have time to call them back, even if it means they're three hours behind. i love you all, really i do. i know that i barely find time to say that to you individually, but know that there are little moments in life where i'm reminded of you.

whether you come by when i'm studying, or asking me to get ice cream, or calling to see how i'm holding up, or giving me wake up calls when it's obviously 5am for you, not me....then there's you who fill me in your precious-unemployed-time, who respond to my nothingness and talk as if i have something intelligent to say....of course how can i forget the reminders that hard work pays off? that it's only another week, that i need to go get ice cream to reward myself? and then there's that half-wit, half-sarcasm talk....then there's this friend who also tells me about his relationship incidents, about his struggle with God....and then how can i forget the friend who rubs in my face the times he goes out to "play, watch movies...etc"...but in the end, all these friends will still be there to talk to me when i need...priceless i tell you--especially when i need you most, and you don't even know.

for the labrat friend i know (ie - wise and rational)...;)....i was stopped in the hallway a few days ago to answer a friend's younger brother's o-chem questions. is this molecule chiral? how many stereoisomers? what about the chloride? for some reason, i thought about us...how we both as bio majors studied so hard, learned so much, but in the end, i wonder where that degree took us. ;)

kindred spirit, i tell you. =) blessed i truly am.

amidst all this, still, what is really love? am i still searching, looking greedily for more...for the purest form of love? for the person who i want to become, is this manageable for YOU to love me as i am (the good and the bad)? and what if i fail? and what if i can't meet the expectations you give? time and time again, i work to prove myself, but i'm never good enough, never ever good enough. why do you question my faith? why do you discredit my passion to be me? am "I" being the selfish one? but you know i have no choice but to give up everything i have. i have no idea where i'll be going next. i have no control over my life. i am just living each day, hoping that somehow, in my shortcomings, in my brokenness, He will use me in His coming.

someone has once pointed out that i'm like a rose blossoming in the middle of a snowfield.

i'm stubborn, i'm strong, i'm steadfast, i'm persistent.
i'm daring, i'm carefree, i'm independent, i'm not.
God, is this where you want me to be?

can You see behind my rags? can You feel beyond the coarseness of my working hands? can You hear over the noise that suffocates the room?

it's not about you. it's not about me. the purpose of our lives is far greater than personal fulfillment, peace of mind, or even happiness. it's far greater than family, career, or even the wildest dreams and ambitions. why were we placed on this planet? let's begin with Him. we are---born by his purpose and for his purpose. and so with this attitude in mind, i begin to pick up the broken pieces...

but it is with all your help and your encouragements (nothing that you'd think i'm high-maintenance of course ;).....) that i stand on my own two feet and extend my arms....

for a simple hug.

2003-09-24T06:40:00.000-07:00

i'm hungry.
All i do is eat. really...now that i'm living in my own apartment with my own kitchen, and for those of you who know how much i "love food" and "love cooking," yes, i've met the demise of the nonexistent-only-in-my-dreams-modelling-career. oh wait, i was never tall enough anyways. oh well. now that i have access to a BIG refrigerator, i find myself stocking it up with unnecessary foods. i justify that by believing that "friends" would come over and hang out. nope, no time...or maybe not enough friends. there's so much food that sometimes it feels like i'm preparing for a famine that's about to strike. okay, so there's a bit of exaggeration there, but mind you, i do eat everything that i cook. that's the problem. i want to eat all the leftovers before i can cook up something new again...and what does that mean? cleaning my plates, every time. but hey, if you're ever in town and i'm ever around, wanna try a home-cooked meal? ;)

2003-09-21T18:52:00.000-07:00

swamped. completely swamped with work and meetings. barely have any time to just chill and relax. in fact, i'm typing this while talking on the phone. that's what you call multitasking.
=)

2003-09-16T21:22:00.000-07:00

Ice cream run!

14 minutes before ashley's closes. do you think they can make a run for it? doubt it. it's far and it's somewhat chilly outside. do you think that it's even worth the walk? there's still so much to read and so much to do. but no, wait, this is school. there's something about being in school, living in the dorms, where spontaneity takes centerstage. that's the beauty of it all.

so off one goes. then...she rings up another; accomplice two abides. off they all go...running down the street, even if that means on a bum ankle. tick tick tick....

red light. darn. okay...let's run across. finally, the door opens and you can smell it...the sweetness that fills the whole room. smile. BIG smile. they made it. pumpkin...coffee...no no not the caffeine kind...over carefully witted conversation.

what a beautiful day. =)

2003-09-16T12:59:00.000-07:00

despite my bum ankle, i ran. =) C reminded me how a hectic-school life can be so fulfilling. P reminded me how much of my mental strength was waiting to be re-explored. J reminded me to smile.

it's beautiful outside. really, it's charming.

2003-09-10T22:45:00.000-07:00

in an effort to figure out what classes i'd be taking this taxing semester, i entrusted a wise and rational friend from the other coast to help me resolve my academic conflicts. do i choose an easy class without much depth and just breeze on by for the sake of graduating or do i indulge myself with a little bit of sophistication and intellect to satisfy my hungry desires of maximizing my education here? so there i go...asking for his advice. and he uses his magic.

tails. yes, tails was for the hard class.
the coin has been flipped.

if only life can be this simple, where a two-sided coin will resolve all the conflicts of our daily lives, our minds, and our hearts. as i struggle to find truthful relevation in my very own heart, my confusion and angst open up my vulnerability to immediate pleasures. i find myself asking questions about my future, my ambitions, and my desires---how do i pursue the things i want without sacrificing His Will? sure you'd think that the my nomadic adventures brought me new insight and satisfaction in witnessing God's grace, but yet at the same time, the striking difference between His and my world shines boldly as I question my identity of who i am and what i want. i have great relationships with the people i love, but i also find myself being critical in wanting "engaging conversations." i value the opportunistic nature i have to get things done, yet i feel ashamed to be so worldly. sadly to say, the food-laden refridgerator in my apartment is a simple reflection of my wants to be "more-than-adequate."

so how do i strive to be the better person that i've been wanting to be? where do i draw my boundaries when it comes to both mental and physical desires?

i feel trapped in an effort to survive.

so impressed upon me are words of wisdom through a simple IM chat...with a distant friend far far away, where God has so cleverly placed on my lap this past summer. as thoroughly as i possibly can, i share with you her response to my questions and doubts of "being my very best for God."

it starts out with being "cultually honest." there are things that we can or cannot do, as christians...and sometimes, there are things that you're "not supposed to do" as well. maybe it's the ignorant child in me who has yet to learn, but there are things that seem to be okay. it's been an internal complex where i've strived to be the best, to be good enough for Him, but i AM human, and i DO stumble. I err like everyone else. why does it feel like i'm never good enough?

the truth is, this is exactly where i'm supposed to be. amazingly enough, during the last several weeks when things have been both physically and emotionally taxing, i find myself struggling to hold on---struggling to just simply believe. both busy and sleep-deprived, i can barely function without being caffeine-induced. the online chats have definitely kept my sanity going, but late night calls with tears running down my face have been too much to bear sometimes. J asks:....how do you do it?

thanks for my first cali visit with great fellowship and great FOOD (wahoo!) and my first "princess" package from my biggest pocky-fan...and of course the random check-up phone calls....when you ask, God provides!

He uses not the strong, but the weak, not the wise, but the fool, to usher in His coming. As another Asia-traveling brother claimed, "I AM a weak fool!" Oftentimes when we strategize and pride ourselves of the work we do as His believers, we forget to give "Him" the glory.

although this may be a justification, for the free-passionate-hopeless-romantic-spirit in me, stumbling is tough...

2003-08-31T14:53:00.000-07:00

applause to all of you, fellow commenters!
i am truly entertained by the anonymous, yet creative remarks on my comments section--though sadly to say, i have been too lazy to update the script to show that i DO indeed receive comments. =) it's been quite a while since i have been amused and so thus, with your inspiration, i begin to blog away...

2003-08-22T00:13:00.000-07:00

ahhh! my comments section ain't showing that i've got comments!

2003-08-05T11:55:00.000-07:00

day 29: hk - 2:49am

closure....or is it?

2003-08-03T07:45:00.000-07:00

day 26: spoiled

saturday was a day spent hanging out with my godmother. she treats me like i'm her own daughter, with the freedom to do anything. yeah, i sound pretty spoiled, i know. it's because i am. i'm extremely grateful that i can get the attention that other people dream about and i often question why God has given me this gift of connecting with people in that way. i am blessed, without a doubt. we all have special gifts in us that make us who we are. while i know what i'm good at, i really want to figure out how i can be the best testimony to those around me. with the overwhelming thoughts that i have within the past few days, i'm beginning to wonder how i can be a better person period. it's great to know that i can share my happiness with my friends and family, but at the same time, those inner pins and needles that tug away and make me doubt, make me question what's God's purpose.

what is His purpose for me?

i have grown up a lot since i left the states. the talks i've shared with people have been liberating and stimulating at the same time. they are at no means the answers to my questions of course. but during this growth process, i have found out one thing about myself: the inability to let go. i've spoken and written about letting things go. knowing that there are unique "gifts" that i am blessed with, i cannot give them up unless God were to take them all away. i am so ashamed to admit that---to admit it to myself that unless He took it away forcefully, i may not offer it up freely. i am one of the riches people i know (not in the monetary sense), and yet, i am so greedy of these riches. i want to keep it and just save it, treasure it, and store it as my winning trophies that i've "supposedly earned," or so i think. my dependence on this greed gnaws away in my mind as i try to set myself free. how CAN i surrender this to God? how can i give up certain things that make me smile? maybe because my focus is not on His love...and you'd think...after spending x days abroad, alone, my understanding of His love would be purer.

i still have a long way to walk...

2003-08-01T08:26:00.000-07:00

day 24: hk - by far, the most beautiful at night

now that work is over, certain thoughts consume my mind instead.
something tells me that i'm just not ready.
two point one eight, i say. not because that is it, but because it is symbolic of ....
just not. can't describe it. there are things that make decisions easier but at this time, the answer is not yet.

2003-07-28T21:05:00.000-07:00

Loads---laughs, stories, pictures---to share, and so little time to do it, details later. Praise God for wonderful fellowship. Praise God for my beloved sister. Amen! Praise God for all those who prayed for me and for my dear ankle! Praise God for a brother who, despite his crazy schedule, went out of his way to tell Sandra to give ME a hug. Amen!

2003-07-24T06:24:00.000-07:00

day 17: vietnight out

i'm beat. especially with the low immune system as of late, i've found myself closing my eyelids rather early in the night. for those who have tried to reach me, I LOVE YOU!!! whether or not i've received your call, know that i am eternally indebted to your kindness. you guys are great! one of those heart warming ones must be from C who called twice since i had rudely brushed her off at first. I would say sorry in vietnamese except that my lonely planet only teaches me cam un = thank you. =) like i have said, this was the first real instance where my stomach never truly stopped churning....oh well, at least the food tasted good while it lasted.

tomorrow morning i'm biding farewell to the lovely saigon, not really anticipating to return (at least not anytime soon). not to say it's a horrible place to visit, of course, i am blessed to cross off another country on my to-conquer list, but the truth is, i've had a very "thorough" experience and it's really time to move on. staying around backpackers district has had it's pros and cons...but my work has truly given me a more cultural experience of what ho chi minh city really is all about. i've gone everywhere...and when i say everywhere, i mean, take a look at the HCMC map, and my driver, Minh, drove me through all the streets. quite an adventure, i must say. i really don't know when i'll be riding the motorcycle like this again.......(it somehow fulfilled that bad-boy complex in me of wanting to sit behind a motorcyclist! hehehe). and to answer another friend's question...nope, never wore a helmet. you just don't around here. =P i've enjoyed the random moments of pouring rain, the dirty atmosphere of eating pho, the constant and addicted nature of bonnyth wanting to be online, and more importantly, the stares and glares of "who is she?" overall, it has all been positive.

after taking a long nap this afternoon, i decided to get dressed for my last HCMC party. i went to a cafe with an elegant decor and sat down by myself, looking through the menu. as i peered from behind my wooden book of um...say 5 pages...i noticed that i was the only asian eating in that restaurant. everyone else, coupled, were foreigners---mostly from europe, i think. not to feel pressured to be with someone (social phobia of mine), but during the 40 minute time span i was in this cafe, numerous vietnamese people came in and out to sell "cigarettes, books, gum, jewelry" to the foreigners. funny thing was, although at least 15 people came in, no one (not a single soul) approached ME nor asked me to buy anything. somewhat rejected? sorta....not really.... not sure. there were little kids who spoke english so well...trying to con foreigners to buy this, buy that, play games with them. i laugh because i find it so entertaining. they are SOOO good at it, as if they were car salesmen. it's great! i can see these little kids (averaging between 5-7) growing up to be quite a con artist. and mind you, they're all girls and all cute. =) if they had really approached me, i might just have caved in and gotten something completely useless. like i've told a friend, it pays to be "cute."

the research portion of my thesis work is nearing an end. i'm glad that i've had such great success in all the interviews i've conducted with everyone being so incredibly helpful. i have one or two back in thailand, but overall, my fieldwork is complete. this SE asia excursion has been made possible by two different scholarship foundations, and well, it's nice to know that i am good at begging for money. it's also great that i can fit in a few random visits here and there...

i'm being picked up from the airport tomorrow. wahoo! after travelling for the whole day...it'll be great to get hugs! i've been missing them...(hint hint).

2003-07-23T03:45:00.000-07:00

day 16: where are you from? are you vietnamese?

too much information
how DO two strangers meet? well, maybe they're just drawn to each other. it's amazing how friendships blossom...good friends talk about anything--even if it is a conversation between a girl and a guy. that's the nature of bonding and getting to know each other at a deeper level. so to lighten the world of failed health policies, i find myself eating ice cream and chatting online with friends back at home---not that any of this really changes reality. a buddy comes online and tries to encourage me to get an outrageous "asian" haircut. he's a never-sleeping designer. go figure. the last time i went buck-wild with my hair was about 2.5 years ago when i decided to go for a meg ryan cut. i literally went back to the hair salon four times, and well...let's just say, there is no such thing as an asian meg ryan. i think i got a demi moore cut instead. so to really trust another asian hair stylist would take a lot from me. we shall see. then my friend tells me that he has no more underwear...that he's wearing his last pair even though he had gotten a new one just yesterday. and right before he actually gets up to do his laundry, he actually considers wearing it inside out. ewww...too explicit or what?

facing my social phobia
i have always associated eating with a social thing. maybe it's the asian in me who wants to eat with someone even if we're not talking. as most of my friends may remember, one of my phobias is walking into a sit-down restaurant and eating by myself. i had tried to face it when i was in new haven. i tried to avoid that as often as i could, especially when i was backpacking in europe. this created many meals of just bread and cheese. i like to order the food and eat it on the go. i don't want people to stare at me and think why i'm alone. in short, i cared what others thought of me.

being alone in hcmc, i have had several incidences of eating alone already. yay! balloons and streamers for me! the truth is, i am in a stage in my life where i just WANT to eat alone and not be disturbed. i just want to stare outside the street and look at how the native people interact with each other. i want to sit there, journal in my bon-bon diary (courtesy of g*dub), and just think. sometimes i even find myself splurging a bit more on each meal in order to really taste the culture of vietnamese food. i think i'm growing up. =)

so while i was eating alone last night, with the pouring rain keeping me from going home, i saw these two asian men staring back at me. i look at them sternly---without a flicker of smile. the defensive nature in me quickly hardened as i realized that it was dark outside and i had to walk home by myself. after quietly eating my beef noodles and paying the bill, one guy comes and approaches me. he asks to talk to me, and i say, why. after his persistent ways of talking to me, i felt intruded...very much so, from the way he was looking, staring, and talking. i responded with: go away. i found myself bolder and louder in things that i do to protect myself. no, they're not young men who appeared to be backpackers like me. they were grown business men who seemed to be looking for trouble. there are so many gross people like that out here. i remember being in hard rock cafe in thailand and found so many couples of white baldy, big-belly men with thai girls of all ages. it disgusted me. especially with the work that i have been investigating in, no wonder this world can be so corrupted. there are direct or indirect sex workers. then there are pimps who pay these sex workers. then there is HIV/AIDS. the cycle of evils continue.

downward spiral
what is amazing about this trip is that this time around, my purpose is not to travel and be on vacation. i see more than a simple tourist would. i see the daily grind of the people who live there, those who make just enough to support their survival for a day. deformity is such a common thing. out of 10 people, i find a deformity in a stranger that is shouting boldly at me. whether it is the hand, the face, or the body, physical deformity is prevalent and evident. but that is only something i see when i stare outside. that is only something we can "ALL" see. what about the deformity that lives within them, that cannot be seen with the human eye? what about the deformity that stays and dwells within their hearts that i cannot see and can never reach out to? how do they live without faith, without the God that protects me? or am i presumptuous to be feeling this way? maybe they are richer in their lives than i in my thoughts? who gives me that right to think the way i do? the chauvinistic attitude in me...so what if i live in supposedly the "christian" country? what does it mean? what does this all mean?

2003-07-22T03:34:00.000-07:00

yes, still here.

i'm hungry. time to get some pho again? but it's pouring outside...like really...i'm stuck.

as my thoughts spill over after every interview i have, i contemplate a bit longer and a bit deeper. my job is sorta done here in vietnam. did more than 5 interviews already and have had more than enough information to come up with a really thorough thesis in terms of the vietnam portion. but somehow, i find myself independently seeking more contacts and asking for more information from different perspectives. yes, i probably have nerd written over my forehead right now. JUST right now. =)

i wonder what my parents are thinking at this moment. they have no idea what i'm doing abroad. i guess ever since i started trekking on my own...across the countries, they stopped to really pursue the answers to my daily lifestyle. perhaps they trust what i'm doing and know that i'm mature enough to be the daughter they have. or perhaps, i'm really not as mature as they think and they've given up on me. just kidding. i know that i reiterate this often and i know it sounds so easy for me to say the two words that show my appreciation, but really, i am so thankful. i am so blessed. prayers really truly work. words cannot express my excitement about life and towards the future. sure, i don't want to lead a "vanilla" day (although i'd love to be eating vanilla everyday), but sometimes it's really what you make of it. we all share similar adventures or similar stories in the end, but how we interpret our blessings and how we show our gratitude somehow makes us unique, makes us different from the person sitting right next to us. i find it amazing that there are ex-patriots (those who travel as well) who have had more adventures than i can count with my fingers and toes. and yet, to stay humble in this world of gifts....it is not easy.

humility...how can we be humble when things are so great sometimes? myself included. i do question my faith and my walk with God. I do question what i'm doing and where i'm going with all that i have been blessed with already. do i really need Him? do i need to be talking about Him or sharing my insights about Him to other people? although the answer really is NO, because He has never expected anything of us, i know i believe in God...because how else can i really say thank you? is that a correct mode of thinking?

i interview people who make me sad about this world. i learn things here in thailand and vietnam where only my eyes can reveal how i feel. it's disheartening and very painful sometimes. i find myself wanting to just eat, or even splurge,...to forget about how hopeless my two hands are. sometimes i really hate the ugliness that i see. it crushes my innocence. (as i have said in my medschool personal statement: "naivete can BE a good thing").

living in this world with evils can be tough without God. living in this world where darkness befalls our daily living can pose barriers to our survival. living without forgiveness, without faith, without a sense of believing....S was right..."i would be dead by now."

2003-07-21T23:07:00.000-07:00

day 15: pho party

another day braving the streets as the "motorcycle queen" as one friend says. again, i've asked my driver Minh to take me around. the first time i had an interview here in vietnam, he took me very far out into a remote area. sitting on the back of his motorcycle, i really had no way to get out, unless i jumped. i was getting nervous at one point and politely, but assertively, asked: how far still? he said, in a few minutes. he took me there safely and ever since then, i've trusted him. he tells me to be careful too when he drops me off in a nearby crowded market. and more importantly, he knows a bit of english.

so of course, he's probably making bank from a consistent customer like me, but for me, it's a dollar here and there, and safety comes first--not to mention that i've carried myself quite cautiously as well. so today, after waiting for a few hours after my interviews with three sex workers, he took me to get some good pho. although i can't taste the real difference between states and vietnam, the atmosphere is different. i'm in vietnam...i'm in freaking vietnam...where there are actually internet connection! haha. i spend more time on the internet during the day because it's a lot faster than at night. so as i was enjoying my pho and iced milk coffee (with ice cubes made from contaminated water, i'm sure)....it suddenly pours. haha. i can be riding behind the motorcycle and it pours again. oh well....if i'm here to enjoy the culture, i might as well take the good and the bad.

it HAS been enriching. but i find myself growing spiritually weak, especially during times when i can do nothing about the situation here. i find myself questioning the place where i'm at, the relationships/friendships i have with people, and the near future that will soon approach once this mission comes to an end. what now? what then?

today is the second time i log onto IM. i even get responses from "THOSE" who never IM me anymore! you know who you are...it takes a plane ticket for me to get a hello from you. haha. thanks for keeping my spirits alive during this taxing, yet rewarding, time....

2003-07-21T04:29:00.000-07:00

day 14: ho chi minh city
IMprayer from a 3am conversation

"dear heavenly father, please fill ... with your spirit right now, let her not be distracted from doing your work, but that the joy she has in serving you in distant lands outshines the difficulties and distractions that she faces. please refresh her soul with the joy she experiences today in her ministry, adn that just as your love is unwavering, that her focus on you is also as consistent. please also give ... a heart of discernment, and a faithful heart focused on you as well...in jesus' name, amen"---j

i'm feeling lonely here. i've been in front of this computer for the past 2 hours now. i should really take advantage of just going out and seeing HCMC. heaviness envelopes my spirit, as i chug along in this race, this race for impossible perfection. why has He placed me in these corridors for soul-searching? does He find me lacking in ways that i need to find myself again? as great as it is to be in a foreign land, i am struggling with my inner strength---specifically emotional strength. trying to figure things out, i guess, trying to be ambitious again.

phone calls are insanely expensive. and well, computer access is limited. so what do you do when you really have no human contact to turn to? God is most flexible, i know. and i chose to be in this position right? brokenness, humility....and this too will pass.

2003-07-16T21:37:00.000-07:00

day 9: nearing the end of my stay in bangkok

even after putting on insect repellent lotion AND spray, along with wearing a long sleeve shirt, i get a mosquito bite on my arm. it is not only one bite, of course...i do find my feet and ankles to be semi-masticated as well; those darn mosquitoes have discovered a feast! to add to my physical unattractiveness, my feet have been invaded with blisters galore. wearing sandals with my skirts have been quite painful. beauty definitely comes with a price.

interviews have been going surprisingly well. i am fortunate to be interviewing people who find my work important, who want to provide information for my masters thesis. i might add that they are people with occupations that range from directors to ministrial officers. i'm not sure if i will get that type of attention back at home, but being a american student from the east coast has its perks. i never found such a satisfaction in using a "name" or "title" to get me anywhere in life until now; it is almost a necessity if i want to get anything done here. i wonder if it is an asian thing, or simply because i am a young female in a foreign country without any knowledge of the language or culture. nevertheless, i find this experience to be rewarding and fruitful. what surprises me more is that there are many women in the public sector where i conduct these interviews. they are women with power---women with a voice. the equality of the sexes here is evident; it's amazing. =)

2003-07-15T21:38:00.000-07:00

day 8: bangkok, still.

it's getting dark here.
there is this heavy-heartedness lurking in me. not a feeling of despair, but of contemplation and confusion. there is what i know is right--thoughts and values that have been ingrained in me, grown innately; yet there is the cloud of darkness that obscures the innocence of my curiosity. the high rise of excitement overwhelms me as much as the low tides of nostalgia. i came to thailand to conduct my research. i could almost say that my work was done a few days ago. as much as i enjoy the language, the people, and the culture, i find myself ready to move on and even go home.

i've seen enough, enough to keep me thinking for next few years. after visiting the AIDS-hospice in LopBuri--something that cannot be compared to anything i've seen in pictures, tv, or books--i find my heart crying profusely for these people who may be innocent or not...but subjected to something that i cannot comprehend. i suddenly realized that as much good as many christians strive to do, i do not understand the world of darkness. tourists come and go within this hospice---the only one situated in a temple---to "take a look at these patients." it is like a zoo without an entrance fee. how disheartening it is to know that these people are waiting to die, yet still subjected to the humiliation of mankind. thoughts of disgust grow as i walk towards the hospice, and moments of fear cross my mind as i worry about the possibility of ME getting HIV myself. how ignorant i can be. with the only doctor there, the belgian man comes and goes every three months to get a tourist visa---since there really is no legal permission for him to be working there. while public health sector remains strong in thailand, and health policy is as good as it gets in dealing with AIDS (for the time being), repulsion takes control of my emotions.

no, i cannot do anything, nor will i pretend to go and save the world as i once imagined. i find myself chugging along this race, oftentimes even walking backwards. i don't think i will ever get immune to the world of darkness....at least i hope not. i can only think that this feeling is good---to continue to challenge and refine me. i had asked for a prayer of continual humility and brokenness during this trip. and with all those who have been praying for me, He remains faithful.

aside from the cultural experience, i find myself a bit lost when connecting with people. why people act the way they do, why i respond the way i feel...i question it all. it's nice to have that big group of friends, but the experience is so finite. relationships are so definite. as a christian, i am reminded that ultimately i will only have my relationship with Him. but as a human, i see myself being just like anybody else---talking and interacting with people, with it being a necessity. being the traveller that i am, it becomes extremely easy to be introspective, partly because that is who i am. but at the same time, it becomes a need to be an extrovert, to talk and respond, otherwise, i miss my own voice. or is it, because there is a feeling of compassion in every human being, that innately, we long to be loved and missed and cared for? while it is easy to say that i am completely faithful to my God, sometimes i feel completely lonely in this very populated world. what am i searching for exactly?

this soul-searching experience is getting tougher. i feel much much older than a 24-year-old.

miracles.
of course, even amidst all the character-building, there have been random moments of hope and greatness that i know....with prayers...with faith....things are good. i met up with two christian sisters yesterday. although i do not know them myself, they have been introduced to me by Thomas. It turns out that they know g*dub, jedimaster and tiner as well! what a small world, yet just enough to shed some light into my busy schedule here in bangkok!

to save myself $1 USD, i took the sky train and had to walk for about 7 minutes from the station to my place last night. my skirt and sandal attire was not conducive to sufficient defense if i had been attacked. not really smart to be by myself like that, but i had put my senses on high alert, and i wasn't going to get myself into obvious trouble. about 15 feets from the entrance of the international house, i find a black dog resting in my path. he gets up and starts to bark at me. as i stop and hesistantly take a tiny step back, he comes charging straight at me with full speed. my heart raced instantaneously...but miraculously out of nowhere, a beige dog comes charging from my side and runs directly into the black dog, to push him away from attacking me. yes, someone IS watching out for me.....

----

i tried calling home to debrief what i have been seeing here in thailand. my family, however, has been too busy trying to pack for their summer vacation. emails and phone calls from friends back at home reassure me. how great is it to know that there is always a silver lining? =)

2003-07-11T01:46:00.000-07:00

someone just sneezed in my office....i said, "bless you."
instead of a thank you, everyone ended up laughing.

2003-07-11T01:26:00.000-07:00

day 3
location: Nonthaburi, Thailand
taxi ride to the ministry of PH

the sincerity and hospitality of thais here are entertaining my thoughts of returning to thailand already. despite the horror stories my parents and some close friends have warned me about, i find my adventures here breath-taking and nerve-racking at the same time. i like that. the eventual satisfaction of overcoming a challenge proves to be rewarding and character-building. of course this is not to say that challenge is critical to growth, but i have been blessed in so many ways. for a girl who does not know a single word of thai, i am afraid to take the taxi--courtesy of my parents' comments. for both trips, however, the drivers have been honest and attentive---setting the A/C when they see me sweat, taking me to the exact location i need to go, and providing that friendly face for an otherwise frightened 24-year old girl. both drivers have burnt scars on their arms; one even has a missing thumb. maybe a while ago, i will see something like that and feel repulsed, frightened for its eccentricities. it's strange how the world works sometimes. i have everything that makes me feel complete, even nail polish to make my nails shiny. i take everything for granted, and it is only being forced to be in a different environment, outside my bonnyth bubble, that i am reminded how precious life really is.

i ask God to give me things that allow me to enjoy life, and God gives me life to enjoy many things.

i don't think i can ask for anymore than what i have received. whether they be gifts of people who pray for me, who take my hand and guide my walk, who give me that nod of "hey, i know you're there"---or simply memorable moments of astonishment, of fear, or of contentment....as one of my yaleh friends have said: "[i] am rich, with empty pockets." =)

2003-07-09T22:05:00.000-07:00

day 2
location: bangkok, thailand
priceless.

there's this little creature in me that's filled with excitement and awe right now. she is jumping up and down--barely able to contain the enthusiasm and apprehension in her. the experiences i have at such a young age warrant more thanksgiving than i truly deserve. the culture of thailand is amazing. this is amazing. now i understand why the thailand missions team say such great things about thailand. i am loving it here and it's only been 24 hours. if only i had the opportunity to learn the language and feel even more at home. i fit in; it must be my skin complexion. ha. but i can only imagine what it means to be a real thai student, studying, attending classes, and eating at the cafeteria everyday. i'm a bit taller than most folks here. and one thing that makes me different is my aqua skirt, whereas most students have black skirts as their uniform. yeah, yeah, i never fail to stand out. maybe that is what i enjoy--throwing myself into unsure situations and finding a way out. i came here not knowing what i was getting myself into, but somehow, i trusted God completely---especially since this is my FIRST real trip taken with Him.

i started doing my fieldwork already. i flew in and interviewed the first person without taking a breath of fresh air. (there's really no fresh air here anyways). but the truth is, i've been learning so much and each interview just blows me away. i have very little background on HIV/AIDS, but more and more i see that these experts i am interviewing will give me priceless information that will carry my thesis far. can i say amazing yet again?

i am staying at the international dormitory where there is maid service daily. i have my own refrigerator and a little tv--which i think is broken. the showers are similar to what i'm used to in hong kong. there are two beds in my room with AC...if only i had friends to visit. =) there is a shopping center close by, probably 15 minutes walking distance. but more importantly, it is the opportunity to enrich myself with thai culture, to people watch on a normal school day, and at the same time, to gain more knowledge of the existence of health policy in another country. all these things compile a greater experience than i have imagined. all the decisions that i have made to make me come to this point in my life seem to make sense now; it's all coming together.

for 15 baht (40 baht per US dollar), i ate a full-filling lunch at the school cafeteria. it's real thai food and i know it must be really safe! =) i started taking pictures of the food here too...definitely inspired by my brother g*dub i tell ya. i wonder if people are annoyed when i randomly take pictures of them. i didn't bring the cable to download my pictures, so maybe my yaleh friends here can help me out. thanks to E, i have a cell phone here as well. Too bad i brought the "asia" charger---for the wrong asian country! i should have listened to him and brought every accessory with me, for the US charger would have been useful since i have a converter here. oh well. i'll just figure out how resourceful i can be.

i love travelling. it's being in a completely new and unfamiliar environment by myself that makes me think, ponder over the every day life of other people, and take myself off of the pedestal that i dramatize often. the world is so big and there is so much to see. this experience is not a vacation, but of work, where i may truly enrich myself of the thai culture. the last time i was able to do that was in sweden. perhaps this two week experience in thailand is planting a seed of possibilities for what is to come...

2003-07-01T15:20:00.000-07:00

i'll never be alone
so many people are watching out for me.

2003-06-30T15:39:00.000-07:00

M had said, would you rather go alone?

testing my patience.

i have exactly one week before i take off and board the plane to BKK. when i first purchased my ticket, i was thrilled, yet anxious, in anticipating the potential hurdles I may encounter. so a brother encourages me to send out a prayer letter because i know, truthfully, that somehow, when everything is gone, when nothing is left, i can only rely on one thing: faith. thus, i write and compile something that is as novel of an idea to me as meeting and speaking with trans. maybe it is believing in the impossible, but somehow, it is not as easy as i have always imagined. of course, those who have responded have reassured me that i will be ok. so i proceed with a smile.

now i sit here, shaking and completely speechless---when i realize that my plans have fumbled. my contacts in BKK have fallen through as of this morning. what am i going to do now? no, i'm still going. fortunately or unfortunately, i cannot turn back but to proceed and find my own contacts and ask for help again. it is irony that for someone who has always wanted to do everything on her own, to be ms. independent and in-control, i am asking for a lot of assistance throughout this whole process. i ask for prayers. i ask for contacts. i ask. and while my words can never express my gratitude for the love of Him and all my friends, just know that i still proceed with a smile.

2003-06-25T12:31:00.000-07:00

the magical snow.

a dress was fedex to me. my gloves were sent as well. open-toe strappy black sandals? or pearly white slippers? little curls all around, with just a touch of make-up to look "dressed-up" but natural. there's something amazing about being a girl and going through the excitement of "dressing for the ball." i felt like i was going to prom all over again.

i had more than one fairy godmother. on a low measly budget, with limited resources of bobby-pins and black hairbands...my girlfriends all took part in my rustic-romantic hairdo that turned out to be quite extravagant. i had told them...whatever i cannot see, it really doesn't matter what it looks like. mtc should definitely open a hair salon, because i said...this is what i want, this is what i don't want...and boom! she waved her wand...and it was done. i think this was one of those nights that i had very little expectation of, and for that reason alone, it turned out to be a great time to relax from a stressful week of midterms and papers.

when i walked into the ballroom...with the two-story high ceiling with windows stretching from the bottom up, i felt like cinderella--the way she was peering into the ballroom in awe. it was magical. the soft snow gently tapping onto the rooftops and down onto the ground added to the magical romance that nite. something about this room, the atmosphere, the people around...made me feel like...a girl in a fairytale...in search of something---maybe a "happily ever after" ending. although i don't think i really found "that" that nite, it somehow took away the "less" from the word hopeless and filled it with a bit of idealism and passion. yes,...that's what i've been looking for. i feel like i've left my heart in a somewhat precarious position, just to say, i can be a hopeful romantic. the ability to suspend myself in disbelief...a momentary exit from reality to surrender myself to a world of idealism...that in itself has its warning lights flashing...

2003-06-20T12:49:00.000-07:00

Quite the blessed IM conversation.
that's the subject line of the email D sent me after our hour-long chat through IM. it was a testimony in itself. little words can describe this feeling i'm having right now...feeling of completeness and wholeness, as if all of a sudden, God has filled my cup completely again. i wish i could blog what is spoken in my heart, though i know my words would not do it justice. somehow, he shed light into the inadequacies of my seemingly insignficant SELFISH existence of me. the empowerment of his wise words break me to the ground. He delivers. yes, He definitely does.

after catching up with S and being encouraged by D, i realized that maybe He is tag-teaming. He sends K, she comes back, and now He sends me. Slowly, but surely, i'm getting excited about the whole thing. although it may not be an official missions trip, D tells me that i'm doing missionary work; the trip that i was supposed to take last year might finally happen. but more importantly, how i have been encouraged by other brothers and sisters have strengthened my spirit. how can i bless others? maybe it's time for me to be an encouragement for S as well. go, D says. just go. don't worry about finances, just go.

a powerful conversation that continues to shake me still.....and off i go....

Spontaneous road trip.
I rarely find time to be at home nowadays. It must have started back in the Sweden days when I yearned for the opportunity to see the world. I did. I came back. And I left again. I somehow found the means to continue this cycle of freedom, not asking my parents for a single dime. Now if they offered me spare change, which they did of course, kudos to them. I brought back independence, strong-will, and a sense of adventure—added to that were extra servings of passion and curiosity. Thankfully such led to the love of Him.

He led me home the past two days. I had planned on going for a while, but it wasn’t until I found myself a chauffeur, which solidified my plans the very last minute. =) Driving up and down the west coast within two days would be too much for me, otherwise. i surprised my sister. it was very very nice. as she was walking out with her class, i was standing by the gate, screaming and shouting her name. she looks over, squinting her eyes, recognizes the familiar face, and sparkles at the presence of me standing her. somehow, i noticed her sincere smile as well. both of us almost wanted to cry. as minor as it may seem, it was THE highlight of the whole trip. i wanted to be there to see her..and i did.

E explained to me that sometimes making a wrong decision is better than not making any decision. so the story begins with the guy sitting on the fence. he contemplates, should i believe in God or Satan? he waits for three more days....and decides that he will not be able to make such a decision at this point in time. God says, that's fine....Satan chuckles and says, the fence is mine.

36+ hours. down and up. averaging at about 95. geez, i don't know if i can do that again. =)

All grown up.
I finally took public transportation around downtown, in some of the most random, yet sketchy places. I almost didn't know how to get onto the bus when a crazy lady blocked my path in front. And then, i go in, see a really different world...one that is probably 180 of what "I" stand for. maybe it was just a little too explicit. i'm from the sheltered city, remember? sometimes it is important to walk out of my comfort zone, sweat a little, and try to get to know those who are different, who are not like me. i walked into the room, definitely feeling the pressure of trying to understand, stressed about what i was really doing my masters thesis on. what have i gotten myself into? for those who know me, researching on HIV/AIDS policy might be one thing, but interviewing about female sex workers? MSM? TSM? an eye opening experience that just might change my attitude about how lucky i AM once again....

as C cleverly says: "welcome to the city you live in..."

2003-06-12T11:29:00.000-07:00

he's a piece of work, our tom. he's not exactly a pretty boy, but there's something about his spirit--wit, charm, energy, and an often comical inventiveness. given a break or two, he could have become, you imagine, one of those rough-hewn entrepreneurs whose rags-to-riches stories go enliven capitalism's history. maybe it's his devilish nerve, as well as one's feelings of foreboding on his behalf. As one delves deeper into his life of crime, a sense of curiosity abrews. we sense that, smart and daring though he is, he will not be able to resist his own heedlessness. those violent flashes of temper wipe all clever calculations out of his brain.

a lonely lad standing on an empty shore, complete in ponderous thoughts, jack finds himself superior to the underlings of the city. wise and intelligent through his words, he somehow manages to stand out among the crowd of those already far and few between. yet, in his conscious efforts of mixing in, so-to-speak, he cannot--with the pride- and boastful nature of someone who holds himself in such esteem. with the ability to accomplish most, if not all, things he wants to do in life, he takes upon any challenge he sees, only to realize there is something behind his stubbornness to acknowledge defeat.

the story begins with a dare--a dare to prove which has the greater ability to see ahead, far into the distance, tiny words of wisdom. this banner will sit at the top of archway of the clock tower overlooking the whole city. the night before the banner is revealed for the whole public to see, both tom and jack independently sneak into the secret chambers of hidden treasures, to uncover the words beforehand. their plans, hoping to solve the mystery prior, will bring them more prestige if they succeed. their boastful and confident natures obviously refuse to submit themselves into a four-eyed world, even if need be.

so the next day comes, and all gather together to witness the opening of this banner and the "vision" competition of tom and jack. tom utters the words of wisdom. jack laughs and says: ha! i even know the smaller words, of when and where they were written on the bottom right hand corner.

the public falls into mass hysteria. it is ironic that both can assert their words with confidence when clearly 1) the sheet that covers the frame has not yet been lifted and 2) the words on the banner have actually been changed last minute. sadly enough, both are caught in deceit. tom and jack run sheepishly away, only to return to the city weeks later--humbled--each with a brand new pair of glasses.

-----

perception
in a simplified version, i randomly revisit the children's book i created back in seventh grade. through the binoculars of humility, some things are no longer what they've appeared to be.

If ignorance is a bliss,
then expectations should be dismissed.
If ideality is inspiring,
Then reality should be transpiring.

as much as i miss those days when "fun" has always existed in my daily vocabulary, i smile at the prospects of sitting still and filling my cup once again. the power of songs is forceful. it has been a while since i last wanted to pray together with other fellow brothers and sisters. i see the reflection on the window in my office of my fingers typing away on this keyboard as i ponder away the purpose of me being where i'm at and interacting with those in life.

C and E challenge my thoughts as they share with me the juxtaposition of love and pride. J's explanation delves deeper as he relates faith with love, opposite of pride (the first sin). this metaphor instantly strikes a chord in me and questions my motive for the things i do and the prayers i request for. unknowingly, i find the answer of my being.

"sometimes coming head to head with all the insecurities and areas to be improved upon results in a sort of freedom because of who we are in Christ. because of Him we have limitless potential, and all the flaws that we identify can be diminished in the light of knowing Him." she explains. so i heed her advice, and ask for Him to speak. am i testing the Spirits when i ask for the passage i wish to seek? or am i really waiting patiently for Him to tell me His Will?

so then i begin..........as the harmony from psalm 27 sings in my ears.

2003-06-05T14:45:00.000-07:00

so you DO remember! =)

2003-06-03T18:22:00.000-07:00

do you remember?
i have my own office and my own line with a tall leather chair that rolls around. one side of the wall is made up of windows (the whole wall!), looking out across from the curran theatre. instead of driving and paying an insane amount for parking, i got a ride to work this morning and will be getting a ride back. wow. i'm spoiled. of course, the luxury of living like a high-profile-peon comes with being in meetings that last more than 4.5 hours. i sit there, twirl my fingers, and try in every way possible to hide the next yawn i'm about to make. it's rough.

as i begin to prepare for my next trip ahead, something tells me that i need to rest. catching a ride to work this morning and chatting with my chaffeur, i realized that it's been a while since my mind was last picked. what am i doing and where am i going? of course i'm excited about going to thailand, vietnam (and possibly hk too), but i've been moving around a lot for the past two years. my close friends have stayed in contact with me regardless of where i've been. the support system i have is incredible. i just hope that C will come visit me when i need a cheer-up session too...even if that means far far away! =P

for all those who are special in my life, you're all there for a reason. =)

oh yes, thanks for extending my special day.....

2003-05-30T02:29:00.000-07:00

something's in the air
i can't really pinpoint it, but it feels good. the guy who sold it to me smiled. i smiled back. we both knew that this was an awesome product and would make an awesome gift. no doubt someone will be really really happy.

i will listen to him and stop. not that i agree every single time but he's always been right all these years. i know he's only here to protect me.

in a series of 4, i'll get to put on my dancing shoes this weekend for the first time. wahoo! i can barely contain my bliss---these moments that make life so precious, that remind me how much i need to cherish my family and friends, that keep both my heart and soul alive, that reveal His undying love for lil ole me!

2003-05-27T15:18:00.000-07:00

best of all worlds....

surprise call
S: Mrs. P, can i get bonnyth a puppy?
Mrs. P: No, S.
B (finding out afterwards): awwww, what a sweet thought....(although i know it'd never happen)
weekend get-away
i had hoped to see more friends, but that's okay because i have the rest of the summer to do that! =) sometimes it feels as if i've never left...friendships come and go, but there's always a special place in my heart for each and every one of them. i can share a very endearing story about each one...and it'd be unique to the dynamics of our relationship. i wish more of my friends could get to know each other. but still, i have that longing feeling to see them whenever i can...even if that means driving into the city (just remember, i'm lazy...). it was nice to catch a glimpse of L before her taking off to the east coast...i arrived late, but at least i was there in time for J's homemade gelato! talk about perfect timing! =)...and oooh...i even saw C eat a hot dog! =)
rowing with the otters
i went kayaking! W asked if i did well...haha...well, atleast i didn't fall into the ocean! there were sea otters swimming and popping their heads in and out of the water, randomly. it was one of the most picturesque experiences i've had for a while....the aquarium was to my left, and the rest of the ocean was to my right. rowing in tandem, getting salt water splashed onto my face, lying on the beach, wearing an oversized wetsuit, getting a feet tan...
PS2
don't underestimate the skills of a girl. that's all i've got to say.
my return
package one, package two, package three...
my sis' highlight
after days of waiting, A finally worked up the courage to ask my lil sis to prom. he jumped out of a car and surprised her with him serenading to her with "more than words" on his guitar...the innocence of high school fairy tale romances...in an effort not to steal my lil sis' thunder, i'm not going to rehash my prom stories here, though it creates quite an entertaining chapter in my life...still, i'm so excited for my lil sis. the dress, the hair, the flowers, the makeup. i guess she hasn't technically said yes yet, and was wondering how she should tell him. my daddy responds with: go and get the banjo and sing..."i will go, i will go, i will go to prom with you..." my daddy is quite a character.
back to the routine
1) hitting the books
2) turning into a brownie

2003-05-23T16:17:00.000-07:00

wu
jian
dao.

what if? a mind game we play with ourselves, quite satisfyingly. a continuous chase on that road, forgetting the way out...some say it's a rare satisfaction in the midst of disappointment. a walk on a limitless journey, and intentions become forgotten. a dream to hide the bitterness, roaming where the lights end. down this road, we go, we hope, we dream, we hide.

during this past sunday, pastor h talked about masks--the many masks we choose for ourselves. what part of the world is made up? is the drama we create a part of the matrix? it was ironic that two of my friends came over to watch the movie, neither of whom speak the language, simply by reading the subtitles in fine print. i told them that it's called "full time prisoners," because somehow in my twisted memory that's what i thought G had said when we were talking about it. nope, i was not even close. my friends laughed at my made up world. i found it funny as well, since that was one of those instances that i had no idea what i was saying, but somehow words came out....confidently.

so nice to be home, reliving the tastes of japanese, chinese, vietnamese, and korean delicacies. i miss jumping into the pool when the water is warm---with the first time this year being a dare, a dare with all my clothes on---what a role model i am not. i miss sporting the summer tan. i miss driving around and seeing asians at the crossroads. i miss walking along the sandy beaches. i miss being the fob-wannabe. i miss chatting online with someone who still needs to write papers. i miss home.

i've never been to LA so many times in such frequency before. this past week has been quite an adventure--seeing all those familiar faces! J's the best for helping me out on my flipbook project! G definitely has some creative juices. P suggest "the little door" and so do i. and then this coming weekend, i anticipate more fun for the "spoiled," possibly eating at slanted door (and other places), kayaking, filming, bbqing galore? ooh-la-la!...memories return as i pass by buca today...the one restaurant where i got to meet EVERYONE...and now the moscone right across is completely built! crazy how time flies. after taking care of business and meeting with the big cheese, i have grown anxious to start for the summer...i think i can sneak a vacation in the middle of business! thailand, vietnam, sf, la...yeah yeah, spoiled ain't i? =) lucky's really the word.

2003-05-14T10:48:00.000-07:00

how can i tell You what i'm feeling these days? sometimes, i'm giddy...sometimes scared...somehow, moments like these have made me stop and listen and hope. and though i don't know why, i feel free---free to make choices, free to love, to laugh and to be me----You've come into my life, turned everything upside down and then right side up again...i almost forgot that i was capable of feeling this way.

2003-05-11T23:19:00.000-07:00

a time of growth and realization both about myself and the world around me--
with the power of faith, i have begun to make an impression that only traces what is to come. when the dust of the present settles, what impression will i have made in the road of history? this is the question i ask myself ....yet, only a lifetime can answer. though with uncertainty, somehow, in the deep crevices of anticipation, my heart is smiling...

2003-04-05T14:33:00.000-08:00

I'd like the memory of me to be a happy one,
I'd like to leave an afterglow of smiles when day is done.
I'd like to leave an echo whispering softly down the ways,
Of happy times and laughing times and bright and sunny days.
I'd like the tears of those who grieve to dry before the sun,
Of happy memories that I leave behind when day is done.
In Loving Memory of B. J. Brei
(1976-2003)

with Him guarding my heart in the most tender loving ways, He brings me my best friend to NH for a taekwondo tournament on a weekend that i needed someone to turn to most...she waved in the distance; i approached her, hugged her, and bawled. why do bad things happen to good people? the mystery of human suffering. the mystery of faith. the whimpers of my heart cry louder than the tears from my eyes. to a hero i never truly met, but to a legend not to be forgotten. who is God? i ask. a lot can be spoken with only a few words. truly this puts things into perspective.

2003-04-01T19:36:00.000-08:00

we complain about the littlest things. we whine about when will we get our chocolate-covered bunnies. but have we stopped to really listen why this is a world far from perfect? have we stopped to ask Him why these things run through our lives daily, and yet, we can be so self-involved with our own insecurities, only to realize that if we stopped complaining, a life is "saved," another glory crowned, and His grace extended?

maybe it was a rude awakening, but the past week, there were so many moments when i felt completely broken--ready to call it quits. the moments of weakness left me completely alone, hiding in corners of the room, secretly hoping that someone would find me and give me sympathy...yet, somehow, my friend--probably one of the closest here at school--needed me so much more than i needed someone to listen to me whine, read my blog, or answer a phone call. i don't know how, but it was a miracle for him to be sitting in front of me, telling his story of survival, of how he clung on to those corals--with his dear life flashing before his eyes. but such a miracle took away another brave intelligent soul...someone who, although i was never introduced to formally, became a name i became most vulnerable to. he saved my friend's life; he made sure everyone got home, but himself; he became the hero to a story that you would only imagine it to be fictitious. in a heartwrenching way, i got to know brandon.

frustration and impatience ate me up in the most painfully slow way. i became upset when my friend refused to face reality, when he did not see how precious "his" life had BECOME, when he failed to see what little brandon demanded of him...i felt sick and helpless.

we are so selfish. we want the world to look at us. but what then, is love? how and when can we give up ourselves for the one we truly love?

He did. God's love to us is insurmountable. do we not look at ourselves and most often than not, find ourselves, waving in the water for help--only to realize that He is coming to save us? when has He denied us His faithfulness? why do we still wallow and pity ourselves when fate disagrees with what WE want?

sometimes i really hate the way i am. i sin like everyone else. i try to control what will happen next. i ask for the things i want and more. but the truth is, i have no reason to complain. i am loved incredibly. a friend recently asked: "do you think life is more confusing for you than everyone else?" when i heard that, i got so upset at myself. how can i create such a world where things revolve around my thoughts? why do i let the things in this world get me down? why i am trying to balance others' crosses, when i have enough weight of my own to keep up? why do i cry when i know He is coming to save me?

i know He's listening. and He continues to remind me of the bravery and heroism in this far from perfect world.

being obedient is tough. waiting is tough. and (un)fortunately being passionate is who i am.

2003-03-23T21:02:00.000-08:00

desperation.
shaken.
no words can describe how i am clinging on to God right now. i am desperate. in a 5-minute phone call, i am brought back to God, kneeling before Him. my heart is crying. will i prevail through these tests of faith? i'm trying to keep up. i really am...

2003-03-23T08:55:00.000-08:00

refreshed by simplicity.

with all that is happening in the world right now, i feel solemn. myriads of thoughts run through my mind today. i should be writing my midterm paper about the dismal truths of HIV/AIDS. what to do and where to begin? someone asks: are you appreciative? yes, i am. but to watch the countless stories about war, to hear the unending fears of many's work situation, to wait in desperate anticipation of what comes next, i sit here feeling like others are all taking this better than i. i wrestle with the little minute details that make my stomach churn as the gears in my head turn. i lie in darkness on my bed and pray. i am humbled.

living it day by day is probably the motto we must now live by. maybe it was i who had always mistaken and forgotten how to believe in God's grace--it was i who wanted to control the manacle of my very own stomach. what a reminder i had during this recent spring break when i spent several hours on IV in the stanford ER. i had left new haven and returned home distant from my christian faith, completely overwhelmed with school and worries that left a permanent sour taste on my tongue. as often as i could, i took sweets of nothingness to make me forget of such anxiety, only to realize that the overdose of sweetness backfired and left me confused and hungry for more.

He knew of my lifeless existence and He remained faithful.

It was God's grace that brought me to the land of comfort and sunshine. It was God's grace that gave me adventures of freedom and witness to his majestic canyons. It was God's grace that fulfilled me of my hungry desires both physically and spiritually. It was God's grace.

It started with the clear evening skies at palace of fine arts--my most favorite place in the city. Then it was the turning of my sister's head two rows in front at GrX, and meeting with d and a. a scheduled lunch with g filled me with a taste of taiwanese street-delicacies. a hike of 9.8 miles down and 9.8 miles up of God's great creation left me in awe. a "not-too-shabby-now-famous" ice cream cake and burnt fried wontons satisfied a room of hungry fellow brothers and sisters. a regurgitation of the "sour taste" left me in surrender to His Will. talks with sisters c, a, and f were the highlights of my spring break. i very much needed it. how can i forget: the 0.02 mile walk across the "why-is-it-not-golden" bridge, the mango-a-go-go run, the missed lunch from wo-de-dai-lo in SF, the still-in-my-purse keychain-chats, and perspective on school chat with a. of course i missed many many things, but boy it was the most fulfilling spring break i have had in a very long time. with the dynamics of a completely packed two weeks, i now understand how my high-strung bros g and m are in constant desires to "live it up" and "cease the day." God had woken me up every day to enjoy His blessings at its fullest and a simple thank you refreshed my growing faith.

when my summer plans suddenly turned hazy, i tried to redraw my picture. when fate tempted me, i asked for room to breathe. i have lived a life of extremes and know the exhilaration and pain of tent camping alongside the road of my-self-made-drama in all kinds of weather. There is so much beauty around us if we will only take the time to notice it. You can make a conscious effort to look for the essence and therefore develop an appreciation for the beautiful things in life. My days have seemed a lot less harried, I promise. Beauty has a way of totally capturing our senses, making us forget the fact that the car stalled on the way to work this morning, that the kids spilled chocolate milk on the carpet, that the workload keeps piling up. For a few brief shining moments, nothing else seems to matter. And the wonderful thing about beauty is that we can store it in our minds to be played over and over again.

God has refreshed me by the hospitality of one of God's thoughtful children. Perhaps it was the baking that brought me back to earth from all the stresses of everyday modern life. Maybe it's kneading the dough, in all its simplicity and physicialness, that helps the most in relaxing me. Maybe it's the time required to let the cake rise that forces me temporarily to slow down. It is as though my feet get firmly placed again on earth, and the problems of yesterday begin to look solvable. Afterwards, that which looked hopeless no longer seems so impossible, and that which seemed complex appears less so in the light of a new day.

2003-03-10T17:19:00.000-08:00

home.

when the plane descended, mtc said: the nice weather is welcoming us home. that's right. the nice weather IS, indeed. driving around the city late saturday night, i can see the bridge in the far off distance, completely clear and beaming with its brilliance. it felt like the first time i got my glasses, when i could see every line of detail and every contrast of colors even at its distance. it was amazing. of course, i got to visit my favorite place that night: the palace of fine arts. there was a party going on, how great would THAT be, to have a party right inside? this had always been my most romantic place here--the atmosphere is just astounding. no wonder my heart has always been in SF, no wonder.

filling my tummy with some yummy late that night left me feeling completely satisfied. ahh....and then it begins my adventure....

2003-03-07T09:00:00.000-08:00

i've been really good this week, working out every night around midnight. that of course is not the best time, but nevertheless, it's been pretty productive. i can't wait for break. i really can't! it's going to be so awesome having a travel buddy. mtc and i are flying in together....it's going to be interesting.

2003-03-04T17:17:00.000-08:00

i must tread carefully....

2003-02-26T12:31:00.000-08:00

jesse jackson will be here.

i hate to sound like a political activist because i neither possess the strategic enthusiasm nor comprehensive eloquence to argue over the labyrinth of (actually) a basic problem. i write because the issue at hand is of pressing matter and requires immediate attention from some of the big-wigs here in this administration. of course, this does not mean that they will be reading my blog, but i just want to satisfy my hunger as a pseudo editorial-columnist.

there will be a strike for all of next week from locals 34s and 35s--a union group comprised of potentially three thousand employees, where some, i might add, have not been on contract for the past year. for the past 15 years--yes, that is a decade and a half--the administrative system here has done everything possible to avoid unions, to maintain the elitist attiude of fending off what they considered as wrong. wrong? how can they be so narrow-minded and live in a world that is literally so many decades behind? have we forgotten the ideological principles of what America is about? what are rights? unfortunately this has been going on too long, and the upsetting thing is that negotiations are far from reaching a compromise. strikes are starting on monday and professors who are pro-union have decided to cancel class---with the intention, figuratively, of staying behind the "picket line." the cancellation of classes serve as a symbolic message to the administration that the system is faltering and that people here are affected. in fact, there may be a possibility that if we "do cross" the picket line, literally, we'd be labelled as "scabs." such a political campaign is very new to the sheltered subsurbian girl in me, and i must say that i have very little experience even remotely close to such actions. however, a rally will start on monday evening headed by jesse jackson. yes, you read that correctly. it's going to be big.

i'm neither pro or anti-strike, and i will lean in favor of the unions if you asked me for an answer. however, without really taking a stand, objectively speaking, i am offended. the vulnerable population is at risk...and that population happens to be the students. cancelling class is often something an overwhelmed student such as myself would call as a treat...extra hours for me to get some beauty-rest. but at the same time, this can happen for a very long time. the strike lands on the week before spring break...that's a week of midterms and papers and crucial teaching hours that may critically affect the outcome of this semester. the political strategy behind it is just so perfect. but at the same time, students can do nothing about it. the conflicts between the union and the administration surface at the expense of the vulnerable population. do we get money back? do we get extra loans? do we get extra hours of instruction? what does this all mean to us?

when i say a strike, a lot of activities, accommodations, and services will be affected. living in the dorms--as a school-facility--i won't even have food for the next week. granted that i never really enjoyed cafeteria food in the first place, but i am working hard to pay off these loans, and sticking to a measly budget of momma-sent-care-packages of dried foods (and maybe treats of pocky sticks once in a while). okay, so maybe i do splurge on a few pints of ice cream here and there, but that's only because my friends spoil me! unfortunately, the students have become the non-visible players in this game of truth or dare. and yet, they will never win. as much as i love this place, i also find it her responsibility to reach equal footing for the union members. yes, very much necessary. fine, enough of my feeble attempt to sound socially justified. they never asked for my opinion in the first place. i'm just a student.

2003-02-25T11:04:00.000-08:00

done it again! wahoo! 3 mi in 31 min. sorry, it's been SO long since i really kept a steady exercise regime.

2003-02-23T18:16:00.000-08:00

the fortune from the fortune cookie read: tonite is your lucky night.

obviously, you can tell that i ordered chinese food last night...it was truly a "lucky" night for me. yesterday, i had successfully convinced myself that it was sunday. i originally had my group meeting scheduled for sunday and it was changed to saturday the very last minute. i ended up working with my laptop downstairs 6 hours after the meeting, with only a dinner break in between. "why were people going out? why were they watching movies?" i had no idea why all of this was happening on a sunday...until...well, yes, i stopped myself and thought..."omigosh!" it is ONLY saturday. with all that energy, i was very productive. in fact, the whole day, i had been walking up and down 11 flights of stairs, and ultimately running 3 mi for 30 min. okay, so i'm no speed-demon, but boy i am so impressed with myself. =) maybe i'm really ready to hike one of the seven natural wonders! so all in all, it was a highly productive day...

but with all that has been happening, i've been really overwhelmed. i've gotten a lot more emotional with the things around me. i'm starting to lose focus. in many ways, this slipping away is scaring me and makes me wanna hold on tighter and longer. what is my purpose? who am i really serving? am i losing the big picture?

i often meet people who question what i am doing and planning on doing. the conflict between ambition and personality is always in question...no wonder i ended up deferring a dream of 20-some years. i am never certain WHAT i want to do, and where i want to go---because there are people asking me, doubting me. i have always been a strong believer in following my passions, someone who finds pleasure in the heart (not in the happenstance). the limitless opportunities and challenges that shape an individual can be so incredibly enriching---i call it freedom. i decide on one thing and get challenged; i do another and get flack. so i stand on my own two feet and charge head-on, only to find myself almost "alone." for what?

so a friend comforts me with these words:

The thing that scares me more about my future is how bleak it would
look if I didn't have my faith. Acknowledging that true joy for me will
only come through Him, and not by my work or career or anything that
others use for substitutes, allows me to focus on ONE particular
question. What does He want me to do?

The answer. I don't know...yet. I suspect that once I get it into my
head to substitute "what He wants me to do" as the answers for all
those other questions, that the other one will be answered in some
perfect way. Perfect in the knowledge of a life pledged to Him,
ignorant of the conflicts and questions that plague me now...

But yeah, I hope your weekend does not involve any:

nerd-like activities
wasting the presence of snow activities
reading something because you have to actitivies
whole weekend by yourself activities
non chilling like a villian activities

i could not have put it better. these words harmonize with my afterthoughts so well...maybe even serving as a witness to others? but unfortunately, i think i failed in the end and well...did all of the above "weekend activities"....=P

2003-02-19T17:42:00.000-08:00

"let's see what daddy does with it."
d comforted me after i told him my saga for the day. after awe-ing myself and many others at the beginning with a flawless presentation, i left the room with one question answered incorrectly, one question that left me feeling like the whole room of 15 people gasped and held their breath---one simple yes from me seemed to have sunken my heart to rock bottom. that was the feeling i got when i left the room. i know i tried my very best and He had given me all the strength i rightly deserved. He never failed me. before and after, all i could truly think about were the words j had left me with recently....philippians 4:6-7. they were ringing through my ears, keeping me calm, keeping me still. that passage was a perfect reminder from j.

during the past week or two, i had been frustrated and edgy, making conversations difficult to reveal my inner fears. from that 4-hr test to the recent 15+ panel, p had been giving me as much moral support as anyone possibly could, but no doubt, my worries left me feeling rather fussy. simply knowing that he was there left me somewhat comforted, but with reservations. C had been keeping me sane through the exchange of frequent emails, and boy do i miss hanging out. without the constant feedback and the wise advice, i would have found myself in a puddle of mushy-goo, waiting for some passerby to pick me up. it's been draining AND emotionally taxing at the same time.

i had sent out my woes to M and within the same day, i received a reply saying that i was treasured as one who could keep the "secrets" of a distant friend. d had called to personally tell me that i was in the thoughts and prayers and had handed the phone to a to wish me the best. another d had also wished me good luck during all these times of interviews, prep-meetings...etc. despite a busy work schedule. thankfully to the return of m, he spent an absurd amount of time, analyzing my presentation line by line, word for word, only to give me the utmost confidence to confront the big wigs....

despite j's busy schedule studying like a mad-woman, we managed to catch up a bit. there was just so much to talk about and it has just been so long. but her words of encouragement again never cease to amaze me. now how else can i top all the support from good ole california?

but of course not to forget...yahleh C had also been giving me positive feedback and encouragement and i was truly struck by her genuine concern and comfort. N left me a chocolate rose by the door with a little post-it that read: good luck tom! and R left a hanger on my doorknob to bless me with a "hang in there" theme. E had offered me his chicken wings during my study breaks and T had been the one person never neglecting to bring sunshine into my life with her silliness. S was kind enough to change interview spots with me and M came up to me and gave me a big warm hug right before.

the list just goes on and on...and while it may seem like the whole world knew of my oh-so-dramatic wednesday, quite frankly, it was only because these people took the time to ask...to ask how i have been doing, to ask what i have been up to... God is SO good! need i say more?

and now, it's waiting time....there are so many periods of "waiting" in life that make time seem long, whilte the rest of life flies! there is waiting to finish school, waiting for exam results, waiting for the wedding day to arrive, and waiting for the baby to take nine months to grow; there is waiting for a long illness to "break" and signs of recovery to be real; there is the waiting for that event all christians most urgently desire (at least in most periods of their lives)--for Christ to return and restore the fallen world, giving us our new bodies to be His Bride, with only glory ahead and no waiting left.

a conflicting feeling.... loves and joys from my awesome brothers and sisters and a bit of melancholy from a day of tired triumph and defeat. what can i learn out of all this? what can i say about myself after all this? somehow, i'm just waiting for Him to continue to purify my heart. all this emotional up and down, i'm thankful it's over. i'm thankful for the support. but i'm thankful that i found His peace and perfection when i needed it most--in a timely manner, indeed. this morning, i found it. i spent ten indulgent minutes reading a favorite book that had nothing to do with work, interview, or getting "buns of steel." it was just for enjoyment, just for me....from Him.

so comes with it, my endearing thank you to all and to Him.

2003-02-17T06:40:00.000-08:00

"did you do a snow dance?"

a friend who didn't even know i did the "pocky-dance" in the past asked me that over IM this morning. the reason for THAT is merely because i sounded like an ecstatic crazy woman at 8:30am in the morning! =) there's a blizzard...i suppose that's what you call it and well, even though classes are literally 15 steps away from the dorm entrance, i don't have to go. there's a spectacular view from the 11th floor and i am in awe what "east coast winter" is truly like. can i live here? ha! can i live here temporarily so i can cut classes? ha. let's just say, i'm definitely enjoying this...

to be the responsible person that i am...(ahem!), i even called the registrar's office to ask for the list of cancelled classes (i'm not even sure if ALL my classes are cancelled today). there is a total of ONE person in the office this morning and she even says that she is out of her mind for coming in. i tell her to go home, but instead, she says she's hoping that blockbuster will open in an hour or so for her to pick up some rentals on her way home. now THAT is a cute answer.

this is really new to me. i suppose i can easily go outside and see what it's really like to be stuck in the cold like that. honestly, though, all i can think about right now is the next few days of snowball fights (and 15-people panel interview of course). the juxtaposition of fun and stress can be quite clever in my lil world. it's always been like this: black vs. white, high vs. low, old vs. new....just worlds of extremes coming together, and for me to find that happy medium. well, i'm going to go back being productive now....=) i think....

2003-02-16T21:38:00.000-08:00

the novelty of it all.

imagine a little boy giving excuses for not going to school. imagine a little girl asking for candy after the cough medicine. imagine bonnyth hoping for a strong blizzard for her to be snowed in. =P it's 12:31 AM over here and i'm waiting for a blizzard to hit. where is he? when will he come to give me "vacation"? while my friend who lives in long island is complaining about his few inches of snow on president's day holiday (real vacation for him), i'm reaping the benefits of the east coast culture...because of all the wears and tears of my emotionally taxing interviews the past week, i'm really hoping that i don't have to go to class tomorrow...even if it is just one day, it'd be awesome! mondays rank the second worse day of the week in terms of workload, and well, i'm just secretly hoping that i just "need" to do nothing for a change. heehee. i know, i'm bad. but...this is just so exciting!

2003-02-14T10:20:00.000-08:00

woman, do you like? =)

"Brown Eyes"
by Destiny Child

Remember the first day when I saw your face
remember the first day when you smiled at me
you stepped to me and you said to me
I was the woman you dreamed about
remember the first day when you called my house
remember the first day when you took me out
we had butterflies although we tried to hide
and we both had a beautiful night

The way we held each others hand
the way we talked the way we laughed
it felt so good to find true love
I knew right then and there you were the one

I know that he loves me cause he told me so
I know that he loves me cause his feelings show
when he stares at me you see that he cares for me
you see how he is so deep in love
I know that he loves me cause its obvious
I know that he loves me cause it's me he trusts
and he's missing me if he's not kissing me
and when he looks at me his brown eyes tells his soul

Remember the first day, the first day we kissed
remember the first day we had an argument
we apologized and then we compromised
and we haven't argued since
remember the first day we stopped playing games
remember the first day you fell in love with me
it felt so good for you to say those words
cause I felt the same way too

The way we held each others hand
the way we talked the way we laughed
it felt so good to fall in love
and I knew right then and there you were the one

I know that he loves me cause he told me so
I know that he loves me cause his feelings show
when he stares at me you see that he cares for me
you see how he is so deep in love
I know that he loves me cause its obvious
I know that he loves me cause it's me he trusts
and he's missing me if he's not kissing me
and when he looks at me his brown eyes tells his soul

i'm so happy so happy that you're in my life
and baby now that you're a part of me
you showed me
showed me the true meaning of love
and i know he loves me

I know that he loves me cause he told me so
I know that he loves me cause his feelings show
when he stares at me you see that he cares for me
you see how he is so deep in love
I know that he loves me cause its obvious
I know that he loves me cause it's me he trusts
and he's missing me if he's not kissing me
and when he looks at me his brown eyes tells his soul

He looks at me and his brown eyes tell his soul

2003-02-11T15:50:00.000-08:00

it snowed again yesterday.
there's something incredibly romantic about being outside with continuous (gently, i might add) falling snow, lamp-posts dimly lit, and snow shovelled off of the walkways. whether i'm alone or walking beside a friend, the quiet-end of each snowflake as it lands onto the ground brings upon a very natural soothing feeling. wearing my gloves, scarf, and long coat, i trot along to the law library--only to find myself completely smitten by the gentle breeze that exists in the air. it's just so romantic.

2003-02-09T21:35:00.000-08:00

is that legal?

before i start explaining my malingering attitude, let me just say...a much needed break i have had. the last two weeks or so, other than the heaps of work i've been trying to catch up on and the "logic" studying that seems to remain endless, God has definitely opened doors of wisdom and compassion for me. i've been studying like mad--yeah, mad-woman mad! but i still find time to play...i just, well, NEED it. all the things i read and learn about in my classes (daily) are so morbid. it makes me feel so small in knowing that i have very little power to do anything about it. how can i be God's servant in a world that is ugly and debilitating? although i have been enthusiastically hyper about my abroad summer challenge 2003--when i do dream the possiblity of "making a difference, so-to-speak--i know i cannot. it scares me that with a lack of both motivation and inspiration, it is so easy for anyone to step away from anything that extends beyond the comfort zone. it is so easy to turn away from an ugly situation and say, sorry, but it cannot be fixed. while i stand at the edge of the cliff seeing the possibility that i have no willpower to make any sacrifices whatsoever, i suddenly get pulled back and God tells reminds me how lucky i am. the circumstances that i am in make me so ...special. why do i then think about myself? why does the world center around me? with a mix of happiness and sorrows during the past week, i realize that maybe all my conversations have been: what is bonnyth worried about next? if it's not this, it's that. whatever happened to those who do make a difference without complaining about the pressure laid upon their shoulders? now that is something to admire.

boy what a lesson i've had this past week. a tear-inducing one, i might add.

God, i'm ready. =)

Thanks!
her prayer over voicemail left me in tears. yes, i was extremely touched, more so than i've felt in a very very long time since i've been here. unfortunately, my earpiece hasn't been working, so while i'm waiting for a new one to be shipped to me, i will have to apologize for my insufficient call-backs. oh it's just so tough to have limited cell-phone access. =P but her prayer and her thoughts give me most uplifting joy when i am especially in the doldrums of busyness. i cannot begin to say how grateful i am to have a friend/sister/peer like her. God has created this sister to be so perfect, so compatible, for me. who would have thought, eh woman? yay! last week, i also found little good-luck notes, bags of sweets, cards, motivational eye-contacts from my very supportive ya-leh friends. very little words can be blogged about for my sense of appreciation and love i am and have been feeling. it will not do justice for the tears of joy my little humble heart cries.

last week came to a close with a very beautiful snow-fallen day. i went out to take a walk the whole friday afternoon, spent chit-chatting with my friend ET--an undergrad alum, now medstudent--while taking random digital pictures, and snoozing around in different lecture halls of the campus. it was such an ideal way to keep my mind off of a momentous test that following day and yet, a perfect opportunity for me to get comfy with the test center. irony can be so deceptively engaging.

Why?
his spoken and unspoken words left me sitting in the bittersweet darkness. what is true?

got a lemon....turnover.
doldrums uplifted...and in celebration of a momentous saturday, my friends and i end up dressing up for the lovely rusty scuppers...a perfect restaurant with perfect view, enjoying our fresh zesty oysters amidst an atmosphere of live jazz music. the saxophone can be so...sexy--almost as sexy as the girl with her black sleek asymmetric off-the-shoulder-top who fell off 5-steps of stairs on her knees. yes, the delectable child is yours truly. luckily such embarrassment is only enjoyed in her own eyes of hasty-silliness--simply walking down from 10th to 9th floor. fortunately, i knock on my friend's doory...only to find bandaids and first aid waiting for lil ole me. funny but my cry-baby whimpers are soon softened by this.

so blessed, so blessed....that night, after rusty...my friends and i enjoy the nh nightlife at bottega, playing games of truth...(censored). it was truly a blessed night of dressing up, falling apart, and well, making a fool out of myself. but hey, at least the pictures turned out really well! =)

Born again, sunday.
so here i am...a cozy sunday, putting the finishing-touches on (again)...school work. sigh. work hard, play hard. no doubt. there's been some cleverly scripted conversations around my neck of the woods, however, which totally cracks me up....thanks to a fellow brother at home to keep me company as well (you're bored, eh?). ==) sometimes the world is so incredibly small.....so here i am entertained by my friend mtc....she writes: this is my friend. he has a lot of time on his hands. so i watch... so with a bit of care, you'll soon notice what i also noticed....a resemblance to someone oh-so-familiar...maybe someone back at home who's well, a close friend of someone even more familiar? *wink

well now, the books i must return to. i have never read so much in my life....i object! heehee, i almost want to object to the privilege of becoming intelligent....well, after such lengthy journalling...a friend just IMed me to get back to work... so off i go...

2003-02-04T18:04:00.000-08:00

a novel but timely idea.
with a mesh of overwhelming thoughts flying across the room, maybe it is time for me to sit still again. yes, that's been my prayer request. to sit still, to listen, and to be faithful. "where did God go?" i had thought amidst my busy schedule at one point in time...

but today, someone special told me to email back the top 10 things that made me happy today...i am so spoiled. i really am. i became hesistant after the first thing. how can i be so ungrateful sometimes? why do i keep pursuing my goals and dreams, only to find myself lonely...completely lonely from life's intended purpose. how can that be? i've asked God. with my somewhat agenda-oriented lifestyle the past few days, i'm beginning to lose sight of what's important. ever since my SF-year off, i haven't relapsed into such habits until now. i wonder if it's the school, or the people here, or the people not here, but somehow, a new focus must be reached. i have an inexplicable case of the "bothersome worries." i think the bottom line is...this place is small, confining...i just miss seeing the world...